Homer's Laugh House

[SI]

Who says that computer geeks have no sense of humor >:D

Girlfriend 7.0 vs. Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.  I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.  In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.  Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.  I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall option doesn't work on Wife 1.0.  Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.

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REPLY:
Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.  Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!  It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0.  It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.  You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.  Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support.  I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.  I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.  Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs.  Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.  Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.  I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.  This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[babygurl424]

lol dj!!   :))

[Jinx55]

I have seen that before DJ but it never fails to give me a good laugh  :))  :))  :))
Thanks,
Jinx  8)

[BoJangles]

  LMAO!!!  SO true too!!

[foxx]

Pretty funny DJ...kind of offensive to this wife 1.0 but funny none the less!

[CindyLouWho]

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thought for a second and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[CindyLouWho]

 
  First Day of School

Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher told the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."

Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

[CindyLouWho]

"Little Johnny - Hiking"


A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

[foxx]

 :))  Needed the laugh, thanks!

[Helen]

Love the little Johnny jokes. Thanks!!

[CindyLouWho]

y'all are welcome!  :)

[Mary]

you all are to funny thats why i love it here  :))  :))  :))

[hades]

yes i must agree.lol i get more then a few laughs here.  ;D

[Bree]

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting
in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself,
"Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that
my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while
we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that
my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself,
"Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath?
I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting,
but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out.
Now how do I tell him gently?"

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife
and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed,
climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves
his face very close to hers and says,
"Darling, I've a confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies,

"Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."  :)) :)) :))

[nightperson]

 :)) :))  very good one

[pogohatesme]

* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here" she wrote "Sagittarius."
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She studied for a blood test.
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left" - she turned around and went home.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

[pogohatesme]

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"

[pogohatesme]

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do to him."

[nightperson]

 :)) :)) :)) omg that was so good i really like them thanks

[pogohatesme]

:)) :)) :)) omg that was so good i really like them thanks

yvw