Homer's Laugh House

[Bree]

Very good ones Pogohateme.... :)) :)) :))

[bobby]

 :)) simply put

[Helen]

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do to him."

And.....it's legal in all 50 States, lol.

[pogohatesme]

lol I'll admit it.....sometimes when I'm mad at my bf I'll hide his PS2 memory card......or the controllers lol

[Helen]

lol I'll admit it.....sometimes when I'm mad at my bf I'll hide his PS2 memory card......or the controllers lol

I think that's legal too, lol. Not nice but legal!!

[SI]

WARNING: while it is a spotlessly clean joke, those of us with filthy minds will find perverse humor in it >:D

LMAO I'm just curious who else will join the ranks of me & the principal after reading this  :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))

*************************************************************************************

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......"

[Brandon493]

LMAO!!! :)) Thanks DJ

[wattsmyname]

LMAO :)) :))  too funny :))

Thanks for the laugh
Marjorie

[pogohatesme]

lol great joke :))

[babygurl424]

lol..that was a good one dj!!

[Bree]

That was really funny DJ   :)) :))

[nightperson]

what a hoot thanks

[pogohatesme]

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used Tide
all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white
blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me
about
how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One
thing led to another, and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood
on
my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain
detergent,
but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid
Tide with Bleach Alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction,
all
of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the
detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my
blouse
were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no
longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

[pogohatesme]

INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS WITH AN AMAZING CONCLUSION !!!!!


1. The sport of choice for the
urban poor is BASKETBALL.





2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING






3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.







4 The sport of choice for supervisors
is BASEBALL.







5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.


and........




6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.







THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you go in the corporate structure,




the smaller your balls become

[Mary]

  :))  :))  :))  :))  :)) :))  to funny pogo thanks  O0

[pogohatesme]

Idiots In Service

This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"

I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working.! He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him, "Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"

Idiots At Work

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Idiots In The Neighborhood

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Idiot Sighting

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Idiot Sighting

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Idiot Sighting

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

Idiot Sighting

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was un-locked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

[Mary]

  :))  :))  :))  :))  :)) :))  thanks pogo  :))  :))  :))

[SI]

 :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) OMG that is too funny!

Scary, but funny! :)) :)) :)) :)) :))

[Bree]

that was so funny pogo   :)) :)) :)) :))

[Bree]

BUSH HAS TO GO

 

I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes. Since President Bush took office,

I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job. 
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I lost my homes. 
I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless. 
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. 

Bush has to go! 

Sincerely,

Saddam Hussein