Homer's Laugh House

[Jinx55]

 
Telemarketers

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Jerry Bisel".  Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling.

The telemarketer said he was with the Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that.  Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number.

I then said off to the side, "get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears", I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running feet.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.
:D  8)

[pogohatesme]

Telemarketers

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Jerry Bisel".  Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling.

The telemarketer said he was with the Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that.  Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number.

I then said off to the side, "get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears", I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running feet.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.
:D  8)

Lol too cute!  My dad and brother are both named the same and when my brother was littler and telemarketers would call and ask for him by name, my dad would pass the phone to my little bro who could talk their ear off lolol

[Bree]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the
children rush to find seats.

"We ll," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced

to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the case worker. "I'm seeing a pattern here.

Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'

And when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all comes arunning.

And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming

Them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come,

and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."
 


   

[pogohatesme]

ohhhh I love it!!   :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))

[nightperson]

that was a hoot :)) :)) :))

[butch1286]

omg! I fell off my chair laughing had to stop and take a breather on that one almost gave myself a heart attack tryin top read it without laughing so hard im cryin buckets I woke my brother up laughin so hard hahahahaha that was good!

Just a friendly warning: be sure that you are seated & NOT consuming food or beverage while reading this.  I cannot be held responsible for any keyboards/mice/monitors ruined due to uncontrollable laughter  :))

Also, it gets a little *mature* as it goes on.  I've edited the text, but you can still infer the meaning:

CHILI COOK-OFF NOTE:
Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me you will be howling out loud.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the score cards from the event:

CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy s***, what the h*** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

CHILI #2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now: get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all the beer

CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. wench is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI #5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p***** me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. S**** those rednecks!

CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s*** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that wench Sally. She must be kinkier than I  thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. Need to wipe my a** with a snow cone!

CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a d*** thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s*** to match my d*** shirt.  At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. S**** it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8 - LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

[nightperson]

omg  :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) now that was worth 4 x the little guys

[Bree]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and  good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened
to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when

the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all

day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping
at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.

[SaintHiρρo]

Nice!

[Brandon493]

 :D

[nightperson]

that was a good one the milkman spb.gif

[pogohatesme]

lol that's cute

[eyesofthewizard]

Lucy   you got some splannin to do

[SI]

OMG this one just had me rolling :)) :)) :)) :)) :))

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.  I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.  The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.  The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.  When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old  man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.  I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Bree]

That was a good one DJ... :)) :))

[Libra]

OMG this one just had me rolling :)) :)) :)) :)) :))

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.  I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.  The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.  The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.  When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old  man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.  I was just wondering if you were my son."

:)) :)) :)) :))

[PB On The Run]

Here's one I received today that had me  :))  :))  :))

The hypnotist
   
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing
Claude was  topping the bill. People came from miles around to see
the famed hypnotist  do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting
room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up
here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every
member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye
on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting,  "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the  swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

..........."S**T!" said the Hypnotist...


  It took three days to clean up the senior center

[Jinx55]

Laughs from Employee Performance Evaluations
============================================

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember,
it could have been worse.  These are actual quotes taken from
federal government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom
   and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more
   of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
   a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change
   feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
   to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the
   better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
    all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
    ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
    other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
    isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out
    looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
    week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
    change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
    gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

[SI]

Lol Thanks for the laugh, Jinx.  That's a classic!  Haven't seen it in a while, but still funny as ever! :)) :)) :))

[nightperson]

omg  :)) :)) i can say thay do have some question on there that is very dumb but this is good