Homer's Laugh House

[Homer]

The Stress Diet

This is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
BREAKFAST:
Grapefruit
1 Slice whole Wheat Toast
8 oz Skim Milk


LUNCH:
4 oz Lean Broiled Chicken Breast 1 C Steamed Spinach
1 C Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie


MID-AFTERNOON SNACK:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 Pts Rocky Road Ice Cream, Nuts, Cherries and Whipped Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce


DINNER:
2 Loaves Garlic Bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of Coke
1 large Sausage, Mushroom and Cheese Pizza
3 Snicker bars


LATE EVENING NEWS:
Entire frozen Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:


1. If you eat something and no one see you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots & Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms & Mashed Potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.

[BeetahCheetah]

haha thats cute  :D

[Homer]

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bull dog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a very nice looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence can be my topdog." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie says, "Sorry, that's not good enough." The Bull dog says, "I'll have some liver and cheese, please." She says, "Sorry, that's not creative enough." Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
>:D

[Homer]

The Facts About the . . . Uhhh . . . Fairer Sex

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand."

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

[Santa69]

Cigarette Warnings for Men

[/b]
Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment."

Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this:

* Warning!: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you?

* Warning!: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.

* Warning!: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

* Warning!: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

* Warning!: Smoke rises, but you may not.

* Warning!: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is... if you're capable of conceiving any.

* Warning!: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.

* Warning!: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?

* Warning!: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.

* Warning!: Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.

[samtheman]

 
-----

CHURCH LADIES & TYPEWRITERS

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals."

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

4. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands..

5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to
a conflict.

6. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.

7. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

8. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

9. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

10. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.

11. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.

12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

13. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

14. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

15. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

16. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled.. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

17. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

18. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.

19. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment and gracious hostility.

20. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

21. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

22. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

23. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the main Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done.

24. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.

25. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.

26. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.

27. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

28. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

29. Our next song is: "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

[Homer]

Would You Like To Join . . .   :P

The Yoko Club? Oh, no.

The Alzheimer's club? Forget it.

The Ebert movie club? Roger.

The Groucho Marx club? You bet your life.

The Prayer Group? God willing!

The anti-perspirant club? Sure.

The Ford-Nixon club? Pardon me?

[DEBKARLAR]

How Do you keep an Idiot in Suspense........

[SirCheatsAlot]

I give up...tell me tell me pleaseeee  :-\

[Homer]

LOL....Good One! O0

[bigbear78]

How Do you keep an Idiot in Suspense........

I give up...tell me tell me pleaseeee :-\

:D

That would be a D'oh O0

[Homer]

Yes it would. :)

[Homer]

13 signs that you have had too much of the 90's:

You tried to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.

You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

[EnglishLion]

good one Homer, I cant remember much of the early nineties

[Homer]

Yeah the 90's were a blur for me also. :)

[Santa69]

Meet my boss!!

[Homer]

In Ohio earlier this year, a season ticket holder was refused entry to a Cincinnati Red's home game for the flimsy and pathetic excuse that he was dead.
His family had brought his ashes to the match in a glass container. His son's comment was, "Now that's really something when you can't take a bottle of pop to the game with you." >:D :P

[badcrazygirl]

ewww who on earth would wanna do that ?

[Homer]

More Flubs from Family Feud D'oh! :P

Name a job around the house that has to be done every fall: Spring cleaning.

Name a holiday that the stores are always busy during: Monday.

What is the heaviest item in your house?: 600 pounds.

What time do you go to bed?: At night.

Name a famous brother & sister: Bonnie & Clyde.

Name something that usually comes with a summer storm: Snow.

Name a famous group of singers: The Simpsons.

[samtheman]

 
  In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt(my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. "90 knots" Center replied. "Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same." "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." "Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
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In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
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The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
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More tower chatter: Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52
that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
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"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"