Homer's Laugh House

[SI]

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

[nightperson]

 :)) :)) here that one you get a  spb.gif

[foxx]

:))  DJ....too frickin funny!  I have to send that to all my attorney friends...

[foxx]

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a
quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting
to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of
office for a year!"

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and
whispers..."It's pronounced "keesh"

[Tara]

Lmao....thats a good one

[pogohatesme]

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a
quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting
to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of
office for a year!"

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and
whispers..."It's pronounced "keesh"

LOL I Love that!!!

[nightperson]

 :)) :)) pretty good love that one

[Brandon493]

A teacher asks her class, ' If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ' None, they will all fly away with
the first gun shot.'

The teacher replies, ' The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Johnny says ' I have a question for you. There are three women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the
triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the
cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ' Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone. '

To which Little Johnny replied, ' The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking. '     

[thetoe]

If AOL Were A City...


You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.


You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.


Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.


The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.


The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.


The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.


If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."


Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."


Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.


You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.


You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.


The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

:D

[Bree]

That was too funny Thetoe...... :)) :))  And Welcome to the forum!!! :)

[thetoe]

Thanks, I've been lurking for a very long time, just my first post. :)

[nightperson]

welcome thetoe and very nice to have you here, that was pertty good i like the 911 :)) :))

[Bree]

THESE ARE ACTUAL CLASSIFIED ADS

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bit*h. Bites

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered.  Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat . Been out a while. better be a reward for this nasty little thing.

COWS, CALVES:  NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK:  $300 Hardly used , call Chubby

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb. ! !

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month.  Wife knows everything.

[Tara]

lol theres some good ones in there   :))

[nightperson]

them was really good ty

[Bree]

Thank You Both and here is something else to make you laugh.....



Beer Truck For Homer

|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||
| DUFF BEER      | ||'""|""\__,_
| _____________ l ||__|__|___|)
|(@(@)""""""""**|(@)(@)***|(@)

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

16. Sitting "Bare azz" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross."

Salute to beer...... spb.gif spb.gif spb.gif

[Tara]

yep thats some good ones also....#16 is the best   :))

[pogohatesme]

lol those are great!!

[nightperson]

yep thats some good ones also....#16 is the best   :))

i do say i will have to agree with there

[Bree]

I Just Can't Take The Chance


A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.   While they were there, the wife

passed away.

The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home For $5000, or you can bury her

here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her Shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5000 to ship your wife home, when it would be

wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the
dead.    I just can't take that chance."