Homer's Laugh House

[pogohatesme]

lol thats cute!

[Bree]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about

five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

[Tara]

 :)) :))  Good ones Bree...keep them coming !!

[Bree]

Thanks Tara...

[Tara]

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
   The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

[Bree]

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato

had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married,

and had a little sweet potato,

which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time,

they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out

and getting half-baked,

so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,

and get a bad name for herself like

'Hot Potato,'

and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry,

no Spud would get her into

the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand

she wouldn't stay home

and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise

so as not to be skinny

like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe,

Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam

to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.

And the greasy guys from France

called the French Fries.

And when she went out west,

to watch out for the Indians

so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on

the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate

with those high class Yukon Golds,

or the ones from the other side of the tracks

who advertise their trade

on all the trucks that say,

'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U.

(that's Potato University)

so that when she graduated

she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her,

one-day Yam came home and announced

she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't

possibly marry Tom Brokaw

because he's just.......

Are you ready for this?



Are you sure?

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OK! Here it is!

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A COMMON TATER

[pogohatesme]

Why cant a meteor come streeking out of the sky and pulverize baby?
Why cant a jogger spray mace on baby?
Why cant the same car that killed pumpkin...kill baby?
Why cant a bear come out of the woods and maul baby?
Why cant Ben sit on baby?
Why do good dogs suffer and stupid dogs dont?
baby is my dumb dog

I don't get it......

[Tara]

His dogs name is baby so u have to read it like that....I guess...Im not sure either

[Bree]

TO:GOD:

FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kittylitter box, although they are tasty.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying"hello".

11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

16. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

And, finally, my last question . .

Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven can you reverse me being neutered?

 
   

[SaintHiρρo]

3 Brazilian Soldiers

Rumsfeld is reporting to the President and the Cabinet. He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

The President says, "Oh, my God!" as he buries his head in his hands. The entire Cabinet is stunned. Usually George W. Bush shows no reaction whatsoever to these reports.

Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a brazilian??"

[Tara]

omg   :)) :))

[foxx]

 :))   Nice.

[Bree]

funnyyyyyyy  :)) :))

[Bree]

It was this little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was.

She replied, "Happy Butt."

The teacher said, "Honey, I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?"

And the little girl said, "Happy Butt"

The principal called the girl's Mom to get this straightened out once and for all.

After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl then exclaimed, " Glad Azz,   Happy Butt,   what's the difference???"

[nightperson]

you guys have the funniest jokes they are really good :)) :))

[Bree]

A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4-year old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm
Gonna say something with hell and you say something with azz." The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what
He wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat azz it won't be Cheerios."

[nightperson]

that a good one :)) :))

[wattsmyname]

LMAO :)) :)) :))

[pogohatesme]

lol those are all great!!

[Bree]

This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM
----------------------------------------

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER
----------------------------------------


ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER
----------------------------------------


DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT
----------------------------------------


THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE
----------------------------------------


GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE
----------------------------------------


THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS
----------------------------------------


SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the Letters:

CASH LOST IN ME
----------------------------------------


ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY
----------------------------------------



ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
----------------------------------------


SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
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A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE
----------------------------------------


THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE
----------------------------------------



ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE
----------------------------------------



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER