Homer's Laugh House

[bobby]

too funny :))

[nightperson]

 :)) :))  to funny

[eyesofthewizard]

that was good needed a good laugh this morning :)) :)) :))

[pogohatesme]

lol those are cute

[nightperson]

very very cute :)) :)) :))

[PogoCrazyMomma]

 :))  :))  :))  :)) how did you know what my mil is really like?  :))  :))

[Mary]

thanks bree made my day to funny  :))  :))  :))

[Bree]

You're welcome Mama....

[BoJangles]

 

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of 64th president Jimmy Carter)
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"I had a rose named after me! and I was very flattered. But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a
bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
___________________________________________
"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I  had ever
seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw
that statement."
- Mark Twain
___________________________________________
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."
- George Burns
___________________________________________
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year."
- Victor Borge
_________________________________________________________
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
- Mark Twain
_________________________________________________________
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir..mighty scarce."
- Mark Twain
_____________________________________________
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get" a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marx
__________________________________________________________
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then
she stops to breathe."
- Jimmy Durante
______________________________________________
"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most Things."
- Jilly Cooper
____________________________________________________________
"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."
- ZsaZsaGabor
____________________________________________________________
"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essentialfood groups:
alcohol,
caffeine, sugar and fat."
- Alex Levine
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"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes
you nothing. It was here first."
- Mark Twain
_______________________________________________
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
- Ed Furgol
_____________________________________________________________
"Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery."
- Spike Milligan
________________________________________________
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
- Henny Youngman
_______________________________________________________________
"I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position."
- Mark Twain
__________________________________________________
"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up."
- Joe Namath
_________________________________________________________________
"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."
- Herbert Henry Asquith
_________________________________________________________________
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
nap."
- Bob Hope
____________________________________________________
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
- WC. Fields
__________________________________________________________________
"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress."
- Will Rogers
__________________________________________________________________
"Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid
you."
- Winston Churchill
__________________________________________________________________
"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything elsestarts to
wear out, fall out,
or spread out."
- Phyllis Diller
___________________________________________________________________
"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out."
- Unknown
____________________________________________________________________
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere."
- Billy Crystal

[Tara]

 :)) Theres some really good ones in there Bo  :))

[Bree]

 :)) good ones Bo :))

[pogohatesme]

lol those are great :D

[nightperson]

oh my them are really good :)) :))

[Mary]

good ones bo  :))  :))  :))  thanks

[Bree]

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

[/b][/size]

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful,

God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one

problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them

with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve. And Eve went

on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.........she felt that having

only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you

needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." and God reached down, removed the middle

breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram

and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate

and I will immediately create a man from a part of you Now let's see.......... .where did I put the useless boob?"

--------Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

[Jinx55]

The Bathtub
============

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to
time, and this should help get you started

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him
or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.  "A normal person would
use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the
teacup."

"No" said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug ...
Do you want a room with or without a view?"   :o  8)

[Bree]

Prison versus work....
When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

[wattsmyname]

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

too funny :)) :))

[pogohatesme]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

[pogohatesme]

The other day I went to the local religious book store and I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "Go Jesus Christ, Go!"

Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And it's a good thing I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.