Homer's Laugh House

[pogohatesme]

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly woman he's runnin' around with."

[pogohatesme]

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
      won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM when you can.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
     one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
     rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and
     antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
      drink that much again."

23.. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
     doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

[BoJangles]

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GEORGIA PEACHES
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JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE:

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything

[nanners]

>> One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
>> dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she
>> purred, "and you can do anything you want."
>>
>> So he tied her up and went golfing

:))

[Thunder]

those are soooooo funny :))

[ClingFree]

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP


25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
     doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

:-\

[Libra]

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
      won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM when you can.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
     one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
     rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and
     antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
      drink that much again."

23.. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
     doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

Ok 23 DOES NOT APPLY to me.  So there.

[bubblegum]

 :)) #23 doesn't apply to me either most the rest do though  :)) :)) :)) :)) :))

[pogohatesme]

lol those are great!

[Bree]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a

leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately

settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old

poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to

good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.  So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard

with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans

and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to

happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" 

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just

when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

"Where's that damn monkey?  I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"


Moral of this story...



Don't mess with old folks...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullcrap stuff and brilliance only come with

age and experience!

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more "youth challenged" than others!!!

[Bree]

The Monkey


A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"

The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river to get a drink. The lizard climbs down the tree and

staggers over to the river to get a drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then

fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting

finishing up a joint.

The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says, "DAMNNNNNNN........DUDE ! How much water did you drink?!"

[Bree]

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots

had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the

stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect

pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it

could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?

That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while

we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without

you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
 
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting

and rewarding.

You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

To all of my FRIENDS, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path .

[pogohatesme]

  Those are cute Bree...thanks! :D

[nanners]

This is cute..Some has way to much time on their hands to do this one.

Click here: What Your Computer Does At Night



spb.gif

[bubblegum]

Heres some Irish one liners for ya all on this great day

Irish blessing: May you be in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you are dead

One night a man was chatting with his Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told him she had mellowed a lot after having four children over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a penny, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.  The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.  He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.   He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.  "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again." 

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus  was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery  and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up  from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming,  "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned  old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm  married to yer sister." 

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't gotten it yet.

:)) :)) :))

[Bree]

funny funny Bubble..... :)) :))

[SI]

Cowboy In Church

One Sunday morning, an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt, and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn-out old hat and an equally worn-out Bible. The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed in expensive clothes and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."

[Bree]

GREEN SPOTS

A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs. A green spot on the inside of each.

They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.  The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the

problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots?
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy -- there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

[bubblegum]

oh dear  :))

[SI]

Lol some redneck humor straight from the heart of Texas (Ft. Worth, actually) :))

Subject: RED NECK {must be read to be truly appreciated!}

You're An EXTREME Redneck if:

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One or more of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Bonus Comment (I'm curious about how many of you "politically correct" gringos are going to complain about THIS one *grin*):

An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.