Homer's Laugh House

[Tara]

GREEN SPOTS

A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs. A green spot on the inside of each.

They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.  The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the

problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots?
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy -- there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

omg... :)) :)) good one

[Tara]

Lol some redneck humor straight from the heart of Texas (Ft. Worth, actually) :))

Subject: RED NECK {must be read to be truly appreciated!}

You're An EXTREME Redneck if:

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One or more of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Bonus Comment (I'm curious about how many of you "politically correct" gringos are going to complain about THIS one *grin*):

An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

I love the redneck part...there all good theres no way I could pick a favorite  :)) :))

[Bree]

Lol some redneck humor straight from the heart of Texas (Ft. Worth, actually) :))

Subject: RED NECK {must be read to be truly appreciated!}

You're An EXTREME Redneck if:

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One or more of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Bonus Comment (I'm curious about how many of you "politically correct" gringos are going to complain about THIS one *grin*):

An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Redneck jokes are my favorite..... :)) :))  And thanks Tara and I love your new avatar and signature  O0

[foxx]

GREEN SPOTS

A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs. A green spot on the inside of each.

They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.  The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the

problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots?
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy -- there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

Why bree...you naughty, naughty girl you!  Hilarious! 

[Bree]

Why bree...you naughty, naughty girl you! Hilarious!

Foxx, friends jut send them to me and yes I have to admit I have a naughty  :-X  side to me!!

[foxx]

Why bree...you naughty, naughty girl you! Hilarious!

Foxx, friends jut send them to me and yes I have to admit I have a naughty  :-X  side to me!!

That's good to know... ;)

[SI]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.  One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom.  This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[Bree]

OMG.... :)) good one DJ  :))

[Tara]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.  One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom.  This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

:)) :)) This is great...I love it

[triniqueen27]

                                                                       80 year old lady

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.



? ? Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

? ? The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:? "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."



? ? The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,?? tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss hthiickk...aaand?? rrunns by bbaatteries ? ? ? The clerk responds, "Yes we do."



? ? "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?"
:)) :)) :))

[Tara]

OMG.... :)) :)) :))

[ClingFree]

 :))     Oh man my grams is 80

[Tara]

:))     Oh man my grams is 80

As long as shes not vibrating when she talks I think she will be ok   :))

[Bree]

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz  $1.29 ....... $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz  $1.19 .....$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz  $1.59 ........... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz  $1.25 .......$10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz  $3.15 ..........$33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz  $8.35 ......... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz   $3.85 ....... $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz  $1.39 ............ $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz   $0.99............. $84.48 per gallon


                  AND THIS IS THE REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz   $1.49.........$21.19 per gallon?!  $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source.   

(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid, Pepto Bismol or Nyquil.

[Tara]

Its definitely a better way to look at gas prices 

[nightperson]

 :)) :)) they are all good but the old lady :))

[foxx]

                                                                       80 year old lady

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.



? ? Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

? ? The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:? "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."



? ? The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,?? tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss hthiickk...aaand?? rrunns by bbaatteries ? ? ? The clerk responds, "Yes we do."



? ? "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?"
:)) :)) :))

:))  :))  :))  :))  :))  :))  Nice one Trini!

[nanners]

It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3 Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. We will never regret piercing our ears.
13. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
14. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening! anyway.
Send this to all the bright women you know and make their day!!!!!

[Tara]

Now this is just awesome.... I love it...thxs for posting  O0

[bubblegum]

Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Easter Bunny

10. Shows up wearing the costume head and nothing else.

9. Reeks of tequila and Easter egg dye.

8. Immediately asks if he can have Easter off.

7. Refuses to hop because it aggravates his double hernia.

6. For an extra 20 bucks, parents can buy an ounce of his special "Easter grass".

5. Only gives the kids candy after they attend his presentation on the time-share condos.

4. Keeps muttering something about "infidels" and "jihad".

3. Costume is made from animal skin he scraped off the interstate.

2. Habitually licks and grooms himself.

1. The enormous ears? Steroids.