Homer's Laugh House

[nanners]

THis one is even better!!


A husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a
finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am
the  man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet
meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous
dessert afterward.  
Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so
I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress
me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The freakin' funeral director would be my guess."

[Bree]

CAN OF WORMS


A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?



Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"







Don't you just love little old Maxine

[Brandon493]

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a
fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over
to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot
of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay
you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer
you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment
unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to
the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls
out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Air phone with his
modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends
e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer
politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The
programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so
what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands
the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
:D

[pogohatesme]

lol those are all great guys :))

[Sweet_Karamel]

Hey guys and gals......just too funny. Kept it comming.  :))  :))  :))  :))

[Sweet_Karamel]

An Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing
is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she
stands up in the front of the plane....."If I am to die, I want my last
minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can
make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has
forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the
rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown
hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning
his shirt... one button at a time...No one moves...He removes his
shirt... Muscles ripple across his chest ..She gasps......He whispers
.....
"Iron this, and get me something to eat..."

:o  :o  :o

[Sweet_Karamel]

Hi y'all, this is cool. It's just a simple eye test that determines if your proned to any physical and/or possible weaknesses that show signs to look for. The results allow you to have a better understanding in preventive personal health problems.

Click on the link then Look steadily into the center for about 20 seconds and follow your own test results.

               Eye Test


http://home.mn.rr.com/t1camp1/Focus.swf

:))  :))  :))  :))  :))

[Homer]

I think someone already posted that one. LOL

[pogohatesme]

she's trying to make us the butt of her joke

[ClingFree]

she's trying to make us the butt of her joke

No no .. thats the Catch-a-Poo Game!!

[Bree]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US, PLEASE!!!

[/b][/size]

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night

The 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells

To the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year

Old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs

And pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting

At the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head

And says, "I sure hope never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden

Table for good measure. "She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you

As soon as I see who's at the door."

_______________________________________________

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine

March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the

Second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in,

"So am I. Let's have a beer."

__________________________________________

WHAT A CHOICE

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say,

"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping

Her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment

or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

____________________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,

They had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities

Had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day,

They were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now

Don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just

Can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.

Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least

Three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,

"How soon do you need to know?"

_____________________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman,

I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on

Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just

One car. It's hundreds of them!"

______________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see

Over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the

Passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn

We just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came

to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right

through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light

had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it! She was

getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was

red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other Woman

and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red

lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to

her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

______________________________________________________

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has

Been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even

The accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher says, "Stay calm, Maam,

An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

"Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

[pogohatesme]

lol love those!!

[Brandon493]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond?
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.
Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.

[pogohatesme]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond?
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.
Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.

lol that's too cute!  Makes me think of one that all the late night guys were using around that time....

How does President Bush feel about Row vs. Wade?
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
He doesn't care how they get outta New Orleans
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))

[nightperson]

 :)) :)) very cute

[Brandon493]

These three boys were walking home from school. All of a sudden, they saw a naked lady sunbathing so of course, they stopped to look. Then, right out of the blue, one of the kids takes off running.

The next day, they see the same lady, and again, the same kid takes off running.

On the third day they stop to see the lady, and she is still there. But this time, before the kid can run away, his two friends grab him by the arm, and they ask him "What's the matter, don't you like looking at naked women?" And the kid replies, "Yeah, but my mommy told me that if I look at a naked woman too long, I'll turn to stone. And I felt something getting hard."

 
>:D

[Brandon493]

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said. "That's right!", said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your damned attitude changes!" :D

[Brandon493]

The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only "fasten 8."
:P

[Thunder]

 :)) :)) :))  funny

[bubblegum]

How to wash the cat

Thoroughly clean the toilet.

Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that
he cannot escape).

Flush the toilet three or four times.

Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,



The DOG