Homer's Laugh House

[Brandon493]

lol cute bubble. O0

[Brandon493]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I freaking didn't"

[foxx]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
:o  LMAO

HA HA HA HA HA HA.... :))   BWAH ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....

[SI]

OMG those were all too freakin' hillarious!  TY all :)) :)) :))

[Brandon493]

:-p I've got tons of them..I'll post some more later! ;)

[Brandon493]

THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"

"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"

[Brandon493]

An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

[CindyLouWho]

Good one's Brandon!!   :D  :))  :))

[CindyLouWho]

Red Skelton's Tips For A Happy Marriage

1. Two times a week, go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.  "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric t o a ster and electric bread maker. She said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!"  So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said. "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.  My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

[foxx]

 :))   Thanks Brandon!  I'll send you the bill for the new pants and undies!   :P

[Brandon493]

:)) Thanks Brandon! I'll send you the bill for the new pants and undies! :P

Okay, lol :D

[foxx]

 :))  you are a dirty little bird Brandon...and i love it!   :))

Thanks for all of these, they have made my day!

[foxx]

 :))

[Brandon493]

:)) you are a dirty little bird Brandon...and i love it! :))

Thanks for all of these, they have made my day!

you're welcome lol  :P

[foxx]

This guy has a bad case of hemorrhoids, he decides to go see the doctor. The doctor says, "It's not too bad, you just need to put these suppositories up your ass." The doctor then says, "I'll give you the first dose, then you can have your wife give you the second this evening." The man replies, "Okay." Later that evening he is talking to his wife and tells her what the doctor said, and she said she would help. She puts one hand upon his shoulder and tells him to bend over. All of the sudden the guy screams "Oh My God!!" "What's wrong?" The man replies, "I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders when he gave me my medicine."

:o   :))

[Brandon493]

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in the father's room the other day and guess what I found? A bunch of ****ographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.
:o

[Monkey]

OMG  :))  :))  :))  :))  :))  :))  :))  :))  :))  :))  

Best five jokes I've ever heard and all in a row! Thanks Brandon!

[Brandon493]

OMG  :))  :))  :))  :))  :))  :))  :))  :))  :))  :)) 

Best five jokes I've ever heard and all in a row! Thanks Brandon!

You're welcome..I've still got plenty more...lol

[foxx]

ok...people are going to accuse me of laughing at these just to up my posts...( I know how some of you think!   :o)

but OMG... :)) 

*need to run away from the Laugh house for a while...afraid of accidents!  You dirty dirty boy!

[Brandon493]

ok...people are going to accuse me of laughing at these just to up my posts...( I know how some of you think! :o)

but OMG... :))

*need to run away from the Laugh house for a while...afraid of accidents! You dirty dirty boy!

lmao  ;D ;D