Homer's Laugh House

[Sweet_Karamel]

                                           WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE


A little old lady answered a knock


on  the door one day,  only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a


vacuum cleaner. " Good morning, "  said the young man. "If I could take  a


couple of minutes of your time, I would like  to  demonstrate the very latest in


high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I


haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.


Quick as a flash, the young man wedged  his foot in the  door and pushed it wide open.




"Don't  be too hasty!" he said. "Not  until you have at least seen my


demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her


hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner  does not remove all traces of this


horse manure from your carpet, Madam,  I  will  personally eat the remainder."


The old lady stepped back and said,  "Well I hope you've


got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."


:o  :o  :o  :))  :))  :))

[Sweet_Karamel]

                                             Guts or Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.  But do you really
know the difference between them?  In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below...


GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: "You're next."



I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

[Bree]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness
to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed  him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat
while she prepared tea.             
       
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled
with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
             
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The
Pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of  water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could 
no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you  would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied,
"Isn't it wonderful? I was walking  through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on  the ground. The directions
said to place it on the organ, keep it wet  and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[nightperson]

 :)) :)) :))   to to funny

[pogohatesme]

lol those are great guys!  Wow this thread has been busier than I've seen it ever over the past couple of days

[bubblegum]

How to have fun at a fast food joint

1. Ask for last months specials.

2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.

3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.

4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.

5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.

6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.

7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.

8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.

9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.

10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.

11. Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windows with some glass cleaner.

12. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.

13. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at.

14. Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course!

15. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems they've been having

16. Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you get your food.

17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.

18. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.

19. As you're pulling away and they say "Have a nice day!" (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.

20. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say "No thank you this tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back."

21. Play name that tune with person taking the order.

22. Pretend your deaf and order in sign language.

23. Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately.

24. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.

25. Go through a drive through after they tell you to pull to the window drive past it and go inside to get your order.

[ClingFree]

How to have fun at a fast food joint


4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.

Okay, you can laugh ... My Mother did that - without intending to - and called me to tell me the story and couldnt understand why I was laughing so hard I couldn't talk.

[SI]

A little sports humor:

[foxx]

 :))  at all the funnies!  Koalas, hind lick.... :))

[pogohatesme]

lol those are all great!

[Tara]

How to have fun at a fast food joint

17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.

:)) :))...love this one

You know how they tell you to pull up and they will bring your food out  to you?   Tell them no and just sit there...for real I've done it...they just look at you crazy and there so shocked they don't even say anything... :))

[Sweet_Karamel]

OK. That was good. Just too funny.  O0  :))  :))  :))

[ClingFree]

Okay I just saw Ashton Kutcher lip-synching, badly, to Manic Monday and maybe it was the pink scarf but I was cracking UP! ...

Anyways - Any commercials that make you actually laugh out loud?

[foxx]

Haven't seen that one yet...

I love the "Unpimp your ride" ones that Volkswagen has right now...Peter Stormwaire (sp?) is hilarious in those..

[pogohatesme]

My bf has me hooked on one from that I keep seeing on ESPN with the SUV and the crab and the little crab keeps saying "I Pinch I Pinch"

[SI]

Haven't seen that one yet...

I love the "Unpimp your ride" ones that Volkswagen has right now...Peter Stormwaire (sp?) is hilarious in those..

Everytime I see the new VW commercials, all I can think about are the old "Sprockets" sketches from SNL ;D

"Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance.  My name is Dieter.  Auf Wiedersehen!" :)) :)) :))

[Bree]

Bad Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put
Into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
Ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
Food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us
Realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But
There is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
Will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
Grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of
Quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."
______________________________________________________________________

Old Folks

This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat. His wife
Says,"Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she
Said, "Are you sick?" "No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new
Viagra pills." So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat. He
Said," Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He
Said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old
Thing, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot."
______________________________________________________________________

French Trip

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate
his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. Whiting
admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said,
"The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans
Always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained.  "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D- Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find
any Frenchmen to show it to".

_____________________________________________________________________

Married old folks are funny too..

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm
and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask,
"Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"  Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask.
"So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob
smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90".

   

[wattsmyname]

 :)) :)) :)) :))

[SexySagittarian]

Now THAT was funny! :)) :)) :)) :))

[pogohatesme]

 :)) :))great jokes guys  :))