Homer's Laugh House

[Tara]

That CITI commercial when the dudes on the phone trying to get a hold of them and hes  on a  train and they say whats your password and he says big boy and they say what and he says it loud Big boy...then he get in the tunnel and loses his connection.

[Tara]

The Top 9 Ways Martha
and Donald Can Make Up


9> She fashions him a nice ego cozy out of his own shed hair.

8> Partner up on the next season of "Dancing With the Stars."

7> Dr. Phil intervention.

6> "Battle of the Network Blowhards."

5> Nothing says, "I'm sorry," like a diamond ankle surveillance bracelet.

4> "Apprentice Swap."

3> They take the limo down to the park and set fire to homeless people.

2> Each purchases the other a small New England state.


and the Number 1 Way Martha and Donald Can Make Up...


1> Crack open some Johnnie Walker Blue, throw some Barry White on the turntable and compare stock portfolios.

[bobby]

the burger king one for the 99cent whopper jr. is pretty funny ;D

[Gecko]

Our old friend Ed (the Texas Aggie) and his life-long buddy, Earl,
went huntin' one day. They was walkin' through the woods when Earl
decided to relieve himself behind a bush... Well, he no sooner
dropped his overalls when a 6 foot rattlesnake popped outa no place
and bit him square on his privates.

Earl dropped to the ground in pain holding himself! Old square-
shootin' Ed ran over to the bush and blew the snake away.

Quickly assessin' the situation and the location of Earl's injury he
was in doubt as to what the proper course of action was. "Earl, you
been bit on a bad spot and I ain't quite sure as to what to do!" he
said.

"I'm in awful pain, Ed, you gotta do something quick!" cried Earl.
"Run down the hill to that veterinarian and see if he won't come
help me."

Ed, took off runnin' feelin' that everythin' was gonna be okay if'n
he could get that old Aggie vet to come help his buddy. As he came
up ta the clinic the old vet was hoppin' in his pickup truck.

"Doc, Doc, ya gotta help my buddy he's been bit by a rattler!"

"Well, son, I wish I could help ya but I gotta run over ta the
Schultz farm and deliver a calf but let me tell you what ya gotta
do," said the vet.

"First, you grab the bit part in both hands and make two small
shallow X's on the fang marks. Then you put your mouth on the X's
and suck the venom out of the wound."  :-X

Ed thought for a moment then asked, "Doc, what happens if I don't do
that?"

The doc yelled out the window as he drove off, " Then he'll die!"

Ed hurried off back to Earl. Earl, still in mortal agony was
relieved to see him. Holding his purple, swollen privates he
pleaded, "Ed, what'd the Doc say?"

Ed looked at him mournfully. "Doc says you gonna die."

[Gecko]

Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of
liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up
and asked him what he was doing?

Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in
the world." The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most
powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy
Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"

Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put
this on a cat's bum, he'll pass a Harley Davidson......."

:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))

[foxx]

That CITI commercial when the dudes on the phone trying to get a hold of them and hes  on a  train and they say whats your password and he says big boy and they say what and he says it loud Big boy...then he get in the tunnel and loses his connection.

...for a shinier card, press one.   :))  Love that...

[WhitePanther]

i like the Capital One commercial

[ClingFree]

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti
sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest
called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

[wattsmyname]

ClingFree That is so funny :)) :))

Marjorie

[SI]

Subject: The New Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith!"

[wattsmyname]

LOL poor Keith :)) :)) :))

Marjorie

[nightperson]

omg there to funny thanks

[SexySagittarian]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
> The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
> loudly every morning when he awoke.
> The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and
> make her gasp for air.
> Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
> was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
> perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
> one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to
> blast them out!
>
> Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
> and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put
> the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
> malicious thought came to her.  She took the bowl and went upstairs where
> her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she
> pulled back the elastic waistband
> of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
> Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
> which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
> footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.  The wife could hardly control
> herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!  After
> years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.  About
> twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
> bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her Lip
> as she asked him what was the matter.
> He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and
> I didn't listen to you."  "What do you mean?" asked his wife.  "Well, you
> always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today
> it finally happened.  But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two
> fingers, I think I got most of them back in." :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))

[Tara]

  :)) :)) :)) :)) OMG...Thats absolutely awesome....This is to funny  :)) :)) :)) :))

[SI]

Bubba Died in a Fire

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a******s."

"What? He had two a******s?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two a******s. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a******s.'"

[SI]

Ways to Tell a Redneck is on Your Computer

  1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
  2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
  3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
  4. The password is "bubba."
  5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
  6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt Jr. sticker on it.
  7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
  8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
  9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.

[SI]

Redneck's Medical Dictionary

Artery: Study of paintings
Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria
Barium: What to do when treatment fails
Bowel: Letter like A E I O or U
Ceasarean Section: District in Rome
Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Coma: Punctuation Mark
Congenital: Friendly
D & C: Where Washington is
Dilate: To live long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Genital: Non-Jewish
Hang Nail: Coat Hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Labor pain: Hurt at work
Morbid: Higher offer
Nitrate: Cheeper than day
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: Person fainted
Post op: Letter Carrier
Recovery Room: Place to apholster
Rectum: Dang near Killed Him
Rheumatic: Amorous
Secretion: Hiding something
Tablet: Small table
Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport
Tibia: Country in North Africa
Tumor: More than One
Urine: Opposite of 'you're out'
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited

[SI]

Bad Car Day

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.

The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

[wattsmyname]

I love the Redneck Jokes DJ_SI

Thanks for the laugh :)) :)) :))

Marjorie

[Shady Lady]

 :))  :))  :)) Paybacks a bitc#  :))  :))  :))

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
> The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
> loudly every morning when he awoke.
> The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and
> make her gasp for air.
> Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
> was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
> perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
> one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to
> blast them out!
>
> Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
> and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put
> the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
> malicious thought came to her.  She took the bowl and went upstairs where
> her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she
> pulled back the elastic waistband
> of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
> Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
> which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
> footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.  The wife could hardly control
> herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!  After
> years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.  About
> twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
> bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her Lip
> as she asked him what was the matter.
> He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and
> I didn't listen to you."  "What do you mean?" asked his wife.  "Well, you
> always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today
> it finally happened.  But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two
> fingers, I think I got most of them back in." :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))