Homer's Laugh House

[Helen]

I read the redneck jokes, thought they were funny....well here's one for ya

That is really inventive!!! Funny too.... :))  :))

[Bree]

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door,then immediately walked in.  She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked.  Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!" "John loves me to wear this dress," she explained.  "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic."

The mother-in-law left.  When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.  Finally, her husband came home.He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

[Bree]

Pantyhose Quiz
     



Q:How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Now, think about  it......

Ready?

ARE YOU SURE???
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Answer:
10 little piggies


2 calves,


1 azz,


and an unknown number of hares.


Now I bet you didn't know that??

[Helen]

Bree, those are both very funny!! Thanks for the laughs.  :)) :))

[Bree]

YW Helen..... :)

[foxx]

That pantyhose one was cute, Bree...

[Bree]

Thanks Foxx.....

[hades]

nice one bree  :P

[Bree]

Thank You Hades....

[Luna]

Those were funny Bree  :;"

[Bree]

Free "BBQ Grill"

Don't miss this deal - I picked up one for, my Home!

You can get a free "BBQ Grill" from any of the following stores:

Albertsons
Winn-Dixie
Food World
K-Mart
Kroger's
Giant Eagle
Local IGA Store
LOWES
WAL-MART
SAM'S CLUB
WALGREENS


Just see the picture for details!? .... Good luck!!!

[Bree]

Daddy'a Gonna Eat Your Fingers!!!

This one is for everyone who

a) Has kids

b) Had kids

c) Was a kid

d) Knows a kid

e) Is going to have kids



I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.  At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this" and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

[Helen]

Oh my, that is too funny Bree. I was wondering what the catch was going to be. Between all those store participating, you can get a wide variety of sizes for your grill, lol.  :)) :))

[Bree]

What Makes 100 Percent???



This equation should be taught in all math classes . From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% ! in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% ! !

and,

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-D-O-D-O
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass-kissing will take you.

A-Z-Z-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
it's the Bulldodo and Azz Kissing that will put you over the top.

<edited by Bree to make this joke PG-13>

[Bree]

Thanks Helen.....don't you just see yourself BBQing with that cart...... :))

[Helen]

Thanks Helen.....don't you just see yourself BBQing with that cart...... :))

Actually Bree.....no. But, if somewhere in the future it became the hottest thing on the market, I'd be in line buying one, lol.  :))

[Bree]

Apples and Grapes

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want
to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead,
they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples
at the top think somethings wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the
way to the top of the tree.

Now Men:

Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to
stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to
have dinner with.  Share this with all the good apples you know.

[Bree]

Thanks Helen.....don't you just see yourself BBQing with that cart...... :))

Actually Bree.....no. But, if somewhere in the future it became the hottest thing on the market, I'd be in line buying one, lol.  :))

I would be in line buying one too Helen.....don't you just love it.... :))

[Bree]

Rednecks, Cadillacs,...and Golf Tees


A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California.  Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up.

"What can I do fer y'all?" the attendant asked.

"Fill it with supreme, " the man said.




While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down and sideways.  "What kinda car is dis here?" he asked.  "I never seen one like it before."

"It's a brand new Cadillac, "  the driver said proudly.  "It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD player, an 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments, a DVD player in the dash, etc...."

"Wow, " said the attendant.  "That there's the fanciest car I ever did see."

"How much do I owe you?"  asked the driver when the attendant had finished.

"That'll be $30.25, " he replied.  The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10.  Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change.  Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees.

"What're them little things there?" asked the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive, "  said the man.

"Goodness, " said the attendant.  "Them Cadillac people think of everything."

[Bree]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his

little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such

innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God

had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.  "Daddy, what are those two

spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she

asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl

asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear, both of them are

Daddy Longlegs."  The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped

them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay "s double hockey sticks t" in our garden." she said.