Homer's Laugh House

[hades]

ohhh my  ;D

[WhitePanther]

oh well sorry

[Helen]

oh well sorry

I wouldn't lose sleep over it..... ;:: There's a lot of pages and you just missed it.  :P

[krispy]

The Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Do you want fifty dollars?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Remember:  Money talks...but chocolate sings.

Another thing ... My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds.

Here have some chocolate .....

[Helen]

Haaaaa, those are good Krispy!!  :))

[krispy]

ty helen

Men who don't understand women fall into two categories: bachelors and husbands.

You can tell how old you are by remembering when a family went for a Sunday drive and everyone got in the same car.

I have an ulterior motive for my hidden agenda.

Q: Why was there six bullet holes in the mirror???
A: A blonde tried to shoot herself.

Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words: "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."

Little Bo Peep never loses sheep because of their embedded silicon identity chips.

Scars: Tattoos with better stories.

******

Reasons Cats Are Better Than Men!

1. Cats don't golf every Saturday.

2. Cats won't say an outfit makes you look fat.

3. Cats aren't interested in microbrews. (what is that anyway?)

4. Cats don't golf on Sunday either.

5. Cats treat your mom with respect.

6. Cats don't leave the seat up.

7. Cats aren't afraid of commitment.

8. Cats don't think the Three Stooges are funny.

9. Cats don't need constant attention.

10. Cats don't worry about hair loss.

But the top reason cats are better than men...............

Cats can be neutered if they stray!

[Mary]

 :)) :)) krispy very funny

[Helen]

Krispy.... O0 Those were good!!  :))

[hades]

i liked em  :))

[krispy]

Bill owns a company that manufactures and installs car wash systems.  Bill's company installed a car wash system in Maryland.

Now understand that these are complete systems, including the money changer and money taking machines.

The problem started when the new owner complained to Bill that he was losing significant amounts of money from his coin machines each week.

He went as far as to accuse Bill's employees of having a key to the boxes and ripping him off.

Bill just couldn't believe that his people would do that, so they setup a camera to catch the thief in action. Well, they did catch him on film!



That's a bird sitting on the change slot of the machine.



The bird had to go down into the machine, and back up inside to get to the money!



That's three quarters he has in his beak! Another amazing thing is that it was not just one bird -- there were several working together.
Once they identified the thieves, they found over $4000 in quarters on the roof of the car wash and more under a nearby tree.



And you thought you heard of everything by now!!!

[Helen]

I've seen that one before but it's still funny as heck. Poor employees getting blamed.... :))

[holly222]

LOL.... Now, how to train my birds......... :-\

[WhitePanther]

A couple  in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.   
They decide to  go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically  okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.  Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.   
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"   
"To the kitchen" he replies.   
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"   
"Sure."   
"Don't you think you should write it down  so you can remember it?" she asks.   
"No, I can remember it."   
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,  too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."   
He says, "I can remember that! You want a  bowl of ice cream with strawberries."   
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain  you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.   
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write  it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and  whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.   
After about 20 minutes the old man returns  from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.   
She stares at the plate for a moment and  says - "Where's my toast?

[Helen]

OMG.....that was too funny.  :))

[tigereyes]

lol...good one White

[hades]

really funny  :))

[krispy]

MR. PRESIDENT, I'M HEADED TO MEXICO

John Doe
April 1, 2006

Dear President Bush:

I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.

I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. All government forms need to be printed in English.

4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.

5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.

7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.

13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

Sincerely,

John Doe

[Helen]

MR. PRESIDENT, I'M HEADED TO MEXICO

John Doe
April 1, 2006

Dear President Bush:

I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.

I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. All government forms need to be printed in English.

4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.

5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.

7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.

13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

Sincerely,

John Doe

All I can say to this is......a cold day in hell.  :))

[hades]

lol so true  :))

[tigereyes]

                                                                A Free Ride: $10 is $10!




Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."