Homer's Laugh House

[Homer]

No more prostitute jokes. We have members as young as 13.

[crazy_]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[liebe_angel]

lmao thanks for sharing

[hades]

lmao.great one.  :))

[crazy_]

For all of us who are married, were married, wish we were married, or wish we weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of  thanks, the woman got into the car.  Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little  detail, until  she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine.  I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade ."

:)) :)) :))

[outlawdave]

   
  A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right
away.  She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He
replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

   So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very
  nice resort. One morning, they were  lying by the pool  when he got up off his towel,
climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer,
entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by
a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and
cut the water like a knife.  After a few more demonstrations, he came back
  and lay down on his towel.
  She said, "That was incredible!"
   He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you
   we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
   So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.  She was moving
  so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would
hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.
She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly!  After about
thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on
her towel, barely breathing hard.
  He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
  'No," she said, "I was a hooker in Kentucky and I worked both sides of the
  Ohio River.
       

[hades]

lol  :))

[crazy_]

How to get out of your next speeding Ticket !
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

[Sassy]

 :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) lmao good one

[liebe_angel]

 :)) :)) :))) :)) thats was good

[hades]

lmao.  :))

[zeboo]

now I like that one  :))

[Swámpßàby §]

Quiz

   
    You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left side
is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the
same speed as you. 
   
    In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as
your car and you cannot overtake it.  Behind you is a  helicopter flying
at ground level.  Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also
traveling at the same speed as you.
   
    What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?
   
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
   
    Answer:
   
    Get off the children's carousel and, next time, don't drink so
much!!!
:)))

[foxx]

lmao! 
Nice one.

[hades]

lmao sweet.  :))

[crazy_]

When a woman wears leather clothing, ........


a man's heart beats

quicker, his throat gets dry,

he goes weak

in the knees

and he begins

to think irrationally.



Ever wonder why?
 
*
*
*
Because she smells like a new truck.     ???

[hades]

eh  :xx

[crazy_]

Train travel

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women
buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train.
The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together
and close the door.  Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets.   He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game,
they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see,
to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.  When they board the train, the three men cram themselves
into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet
in which the men are hiding.  The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women!!!  Jack azz.

[foxx]

lmao!  Good one!

[bubblegum]

how to tell you went through the light to fast: