Homer's Laugh House

[liebe_angel]

lol cute

[liebe_angel]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.  Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again.

[~Ãutolovér~]

A guy in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are assholes!"

A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I resent that."

The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy responded "No, I'm an asshole."

[~Ãutolovér~]

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."   :ooo

[SexySagittarian]

TeeHee :)))

[babygurl424]

lol  good one!!  :))

[pogolver2000]

good one :))

[crazy_]

Most of America thinks it improper to spank children, so my spouse and I
have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of "those
moments."

One that we found very effective is for me just to take the child for a
car ride and talk.  They seem to calm down and stop misbehaving after our
little ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with our son, in case
you would like to try the technique.  I've been told it even works on
grandkids.

Good luck...

[ClingFree]

Most of America thinks it improper to spank children, so my spouse and I
have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of "those
moments."

One that we found very effective is for me just to take the child for a
car ride and talk.  They seem to calm down and stop misbehaving after our
little ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with our son, in case
you would like to try the technique.  I've been told it even works on
grandkids.

Good luck...

Ha!!!! The best part of that whole picture is the speed sign in the background!

[hades]

lol.  ;D

[kgansor]

i cant get the picture now, well actually its part of a video but theres a tractor going down the road and a bike speeds by him doing about 115-120 or so, and then you see the sign saying the bikes speed and it takes a picture of the tractor and the speed sign saying the tractor was doing over 100 mph.. you really have to see the video/picture to really laugh about it but still its funny, and that picture reminded me of that.

[damian666]

I need to try that with my 5 year old  :))

[Monkey]

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair.  There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.  Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that."  Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10."  So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane."  Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down.  The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you.  I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free.  But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins.  No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff."  Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

[david/ross]

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."   :ooo

[david/ross]

 :))

[david/ross]

heres one for ya Homer, you probally seen this before

                                                 *The Poopie List*

GHOST POOPIE:  The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOPIE:  The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE:  This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE:  The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE:  The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOPIE:  It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S POOPIE:  The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOPIE:  Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE:  The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE:  That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump):  The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOPIE:  This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it.  You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOPIE:  You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

:)))

[david/ross]

How about

CROP DUSTER POOPIE
Occurs when walking through a room filled with people and begins with long stream of gas and small poopie pellets.

NUT POOPIE
One of the - if not THE most painful poopie in the whole history of poopi-ing occurs when one has too much fiber and/or does not chew food finely enough.

UPPER-CLASS POOPIE
A very uncommon poopie that occurs after eating healthy foods and lots of nice water. It doesn't stink! WTF is that? A poopie that doesn't stink! Well, it should be in the protected ass group due to its near extinction and rare occurrences.

MEXICAN POOPIUS
A party poopie! This poopie explodes like a piñata and burns burns burns. It then continues to dribble and gurgle farts. It emits a vague picante aroma. A stimulating albeit mushy experience indeed!

SHOTGUN POOPIE
A poopie that is thought to be a fart while on the toilet, but it explodes violently with a loud gunlike fart and at least 12 poopie pellets shoot out. Anything in the toilet is brutally mauled.

DEAD DROP POOPIE
The biggest poopies of them all! A poopie so huge, so enormously deadly, it takes at least a dozen flushes, some jabbing, and praying to get it down. Referred to as the big brother of the Lincoln Log Poopie.

LITTLE NOISY POOPIE
A poopie that is the noisiest poopie in the entire history, bigger than the gassy poopie! Occurs after heavy drinking and bean eating.  The only time these are expelled is when a violent FART takes place. This poopie usually lasts up to 5 hours!

:D

[david/ross]

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

:)) :D

[david/ross]

Baked beans and their delightful tune 

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

:))

[Monkey]

:))

C'mon. Just 207 more posts till you get 250.  :///