Homer's Laugh House

[david/ross]

 :))this good stuff  :))

[david/ross]

these jokes make me laugh just like 250  :/\

[david/ross]

250  :))  :)))  :-[

[justahumping]

     I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador retriever and was in line to check out.  A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?  On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
      I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is  nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
     I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.   Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.
     I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.   :))

[justahumping]

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store:
     Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store..   At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.. When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.
   Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
   My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy and Carl went to the back room to find it.
   From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"   Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

[wattsmyname]

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store:
     Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store..   At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.. When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.
   Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
   My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy and Carl went to the back room to find it.
   From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"   Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

LMAO :)) :))

[david/ross]

 :D that funny  :))

[jrzydvl]

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store:
     Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store..   At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.. When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.
   Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
   My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy and Carl went to the back room to find it.
   From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"   Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

thats a good one

[david/ross]

Drug dealers and software developers - a comparison
Drug Dealers

-----------------------------------

Refer to their clients as "users".
"The first one's free!"
Have important Asian connections.
Strange jargon:
"Stick"
"Rock"
"Wrap"
"E"
"Stash"
"Drive-by"
"Hit (LSD)"
"Source"
"The Pigs"
Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Clients really like your stuff when it works.When it doesn't work they want to kill you.
Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent product.
Often seen in the company of pimps, hustlers and low-lifes
When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive
A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers.
Product causes unhealthy addictions.
Do your job well and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
Software Developers

-----------------------------------

Refer to their clients as "users".
"Download a free trial version..."
Have important Asian connections.
Strange jargon: "SCSI"
"RTFM"
"Packet"
"C"
"Cache"
"CTRL ALT DEL"
"Hit (WWW)"
"Source-code"
"Microsoft"
Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Clients really like your stuff when it works.When it doesn't work they want to kill you.
Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent products.
Often seen in the company of marketing people, venture capitalists and fund managers.
When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive
A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers.
DOOM, Quake, SimCity, Duke Nukem 3D...
Damn! DAMN!!! 

[butch1286]

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city's stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the "picture," but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn't much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

The man's many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy's suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."


---------------------------------------------------



This morning my wife was up early; earlier than me. Sleepily I kissed her 'good morning'. She said, "I'm taking care of breakfast."
Excited, I nearly jumped for joy when I said, "Really? You're kidding, right? You never help with breakfast. Then again, you're never awake this early. Oh boy! Do I get breakfast in bed?"
"Sure. If you'll make the toast and pour the coffee," Cathy replied, "breakfast will be ready."
"Alright!" I said as I put a couple of slices of bread in the toaster. "What are we having for breakfast?"
"Toast and coffee."

----------------------------------------


A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"


-----------------------------------------


A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"
This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"
Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"
The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying grass across the street."


------------------------------------


A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
---------------------------------------------

Did you know that Snap, Crackle and Pop were found dead? They're looking for a cereal killer.



-----------------------------------------

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or was it twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask ... is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

----------------------------------------------------
Top 10 New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

10. Read less.

9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

6. Procrastinate more.

5. Drink. Drink some more.

4. Start being superstitious.

3. Spend more time at work.

2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

[crazy_]

 MAN OF THE HOUSE
   
   
The husband had just finished reading the book,  MAN OF THE HOUSE.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.  Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.  Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

[crazy_]

THE FINAL GEICO COMMERCIAL !





Now,  where can I find that damn duck?

[justahumping]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying
to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be
hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and
on and on and on!

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot
soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution
after all.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T
YOU EVER STOP!"

[justahumping]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.  Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
 
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
 
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
 
"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.  "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.  I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
 
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."  "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.  And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!

And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.  "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.   "Consider it done, "the genie said."And your homes will always be
safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
 
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"  "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!"
 
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"  She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.  Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about  you honey?"  "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
 
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"  "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." he said,



"Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"   

[david/ross]

THE FINAL GEICO COMMERCIAL !





Now,  where can I find that damn duck?

:)) i love that  :D

[Monkey]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.  Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
 
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
 
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
 
"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.  "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.  I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
 
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."  "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.  And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!

And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.  "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.   "Consider it done, "the genie said."And your homes will always be
safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
 
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"  "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!"
 
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"  She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.  Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about  you honey?"  "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
 
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"  "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." he said,



"Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"   

:))

[david/ross]

 :)) :)))

[justahumping]

Marriage #11

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.  On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.  "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."

"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."

"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was............ God, I miss him!".........

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"    "Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"


You are going to love this one.



"You're with the Government........This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."

[justahumping]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?  Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?  The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?  The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?  Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?  Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?  Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?  A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?  Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?   10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?  Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?  They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?  Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?  After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?  The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?  Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?  A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?  "Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?  Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?   Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?  Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?  A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?  They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?  A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?  They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?  A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?  A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....

Why is there no Disneyland in China?  No one's tall enough to go on the good rides                   

[Libra]

LMAO @ both jokes, Justa!  :))