Homer's Laugh House

[justahumping]

 :))

[IndianLover]

 :))

[xx_mandy_xx]

heheh!  :)))

[justahumping]

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so  they would pick people from three different parts of Canada.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours,
and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.The first from Vancouver, says, "My answer is, there is no answer."
The second, from Toronto, says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one from Newfoundland says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have  it narrowed down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner? or Willie  Nailer?

The Newfoundlander got the job.

[justahumping]

I hope that no one takes offence to this. I really thought it was funny.   O0



What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..



The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

[justahumping]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !


They forgot the German bra.

Holtzemfromfloppen   :)))   (I have a few German freinds and they all liked this one)

[xx_mandy_xx]

chop firewood the redneck way

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil
Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs,
but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on
Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil!
This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

[crazy_]

It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum.  All the inmates were
standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." And singing it beautifully.
Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it
rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached
the conductor.  "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one
of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"

"In the beginning this was a big problem.  One inmate wanted to call
themselves the Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Songs of Siam,
but I said it was too long and, anyway, no one was from Siam.  Then,
another thought The Pencil Leads was a good name but the others
disagreed because they had no one to write to."

"Well," the visitor asked, "what name did they finally agree on?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor.

"They all agreed to call themselves .....

"The Moron Tapanapple Choir."

[crazy_]

Idle thoughts of a retired person

I planted some birdseed.  A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or was it twice?

I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart.  Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift?   Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible -- and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one -- for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when every thing else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The shampoo promised me extra body -- and I gained three pounds.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look
like a 20 penny nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you
a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

       +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

                                LATEST POLLING IN TEXAS SHOWS:

43 percent of all TEXANS say that immigration is a serious problem.

The other 57 percent said, "No hablo  Inglis"

[Sassy]

Loved the Newfie one LOL


:;"

[foxx]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !


They forgot the German bra.

Holtzemfromfloppen   :)))   (I have a few German freinds and they all liked this one)

:'((

[xx_mandy_xx]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !


They forgot the German bra.

Holtzemfromfloppen   :)))   (I have a few German freinds and they all liked this one)

:'((

why you crying foxx are you the H option? lol

[justahumping]

Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS. Bob is devastated, and says... "Doc, what can I do?".
     The Doc says..."Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
The Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a much better understanding of what your azz is for

[justahumping]

A woman rubs a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got 3 wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, 3-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...What'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, please be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for 500+ years. I am good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
Woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."


Genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the freaking map again"

[babygurl424]

A woman rubs a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got 3 wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, 3-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...What'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, please be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for 500+ years. I am good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
Woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."


Genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the freaking map again"

haha..that was a good one justa  :))

[justahumping]

Ponderisms


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How it is one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? (mine has one)

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does mora lity come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?  (((NO)))

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Hope you enjoyed altho something tells me that I may have posted this or some of these before?

[xx_mandy_xx]

You got lotsa jokes justa!

[foxx]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !


They forgot the German bra.

Holtzemfromfloppen   :)))   (I have a few German freinds and they all liked this one)

:'((

why you crying foxx are you the H option? lol

lmao...no...I'd have to hurt myself if so.

[justahumping]

You got lotsa jokes justa!

I have some friends that sends them to me.Some of them , *IF* I posted them on here, Homer would come and kick my azz. lol. So I have to watch some of them. and the ones aobut making fun of men,,, WELL...... sometimes I will post them and sometimes I wont. I can have to many men jokes out there for you ladies to use against me. lol

[xx_mandy_xx]

You got lotsa jokes justa!

I have some friends that sends them to me.Some of them , *IF* I posted them on here, Homer would come and kick my azz. lol. So I have to watch some of them. and the ones aobut making fun of men,,, WELL...... sometimes I will post them and sometimes I wont. I can have to many men jokes out there for you ladies to use against me. lol

lol...ya i know what you mean