Homer's Laugh House

[TmT]

 :)) :'(( :))  laughin so hard Im cryin  :oo shame on u.. I bet you wrote that yourself... that is hilarious...

[Homer]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts although still silent stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
?.? :)))

[TmT]

 :D  :'(( I can hear the farts all the way here.... ur too funny... that's halirious too

[Homer]

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."  :o

[TmT]

 <:>  :D You have too much time on your hand tonight.  Where is Tara?  I better call her and tell her Homer in on the forum jokin his  :o0 off.

[Homer]

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish...please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive...."

[IndianLover]

 :)))

[TmT]

 !@! lmao.. I guess his(bear) prayer was answered... dont see no followup... lmao again

[Homer]

Signs that you are too drunk.....
 
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar..

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

[sportsguru]

You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.


I bet someone named Homer wakes up in the middle of the night shouting TARA TARA TARA  :)))   )))   :))

[Homer]

One day one of Diane's friends was on who want's to be a millionaire.

Regis: Okay, so you you're going for $1 000 000, and you have one life line. Here's the question:

Q: Which one of these birds does not build it's own nest?

A: Blue Jay

B: Cardinal

C: Cuckoo

D: Thrust

Contestant: I think I'm going to phone my friend Diane.

Regis: Ok we're putting Diane on the phone here

Contestant: Ok Diane, which bird does not build it's own nest, a blue jay, a cardinal, a cuckoo, or a thrust?

Diane: I'm 100% sure it's a cuckoo.

Conestant Okay, thanks Diane.

Diane: No problem.

Contestant: Ok C cuckoo, final answer.

Regis: Congratulations, you've just won $1 000 000!

After winning $1 000 000, Diane and her friend went out to celebrate. And she asked Diane how she knew it was a cuckoo.

Diane: Everyone knows that cuckoos live in clocks!

[Homer]

A boy's girlfriend invited him over for dinner to meet her parents. the girl wanted to have sex with him that night to celebrate. The boy went to Walgreen's to get condoms and found a really nice pharmacist who helped him out and explained to him for over an hour how to do it. He finally asked "Do you want a 3 pack, a 5 pack, or a 10 pack?" since it was his first time he thought he would do it for a while so he got a 10 pack. That night at dinner he volunteered to say grace. After 10 minutes his head was still down. finally after 20 minutes his girlfriend whisperred "I didn't know you were this religious." he responded " I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."

[Monkey]

A boy's girlfriend invited him over for dinner to meet her parents. the girl wanted to have sex with him that night to celebrate. The boy went to Walgreen's to get condoms and found a really nice pharmacist who helped him out and explained to him for over an hour how to do it. He finally asked "Do you want a 3 pack, a 5 pack, or a 10 pack?" since it was his first time he thought he would do it for a while so he got a 10 pack. That night at dinner he volunteered to say grace. After 10 minutes his head was still down. finally after 20 minutes his girlfriend whisperred "I didn't know you were this religious." he responded " I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."

:)) :))

[Monkey]

A college class was told they had to write a short story in
as few words as possible.  The  instructions were: The short story had to contain the following three things:

1.  Religion
2.  Sexuality
3.  Mystery

Below is the only A+ story in the entire class.

"Good God, I'm pregnant:  I wonder who did it."

:))

[bluebell1us]

A college class was told they had to write a short story in
as few words as possible.  The  instructions were: The short story had to contain the following three things:

1.  Religion
2.  Sexuality
3.  Mystery

Below is the only A+ story in the entire class

"Good God, I'm pregnant:  I wonder who did it."

:))

>>:D

:)) :)) :)) :))good one

[ĴĐ]

Here's one I got out of a book but found it, thank God, on the Internet (Enjoy):

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

    "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

    #1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    #2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.

[Homer]

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."

[justahumping]

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was p*  ssed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my azz for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bit@hes cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those azzholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hair ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little chits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm Bill Gates!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat azz and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
 

[justahumping]

Tax return

    A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."

[justahumping]

MURPHY'S CONVERSION.......


Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and when the priest saw him, he almost fell down.  Murphy had never been to Mass in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday.

I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal

McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."