Homer's Laugh House

[Homer]

LMAO Duckie. O0 Somewhat predictable. ;)

[ef9n15]

Whats black and white and found in childrens pants?

[samtheman]

A young girl was going on a date.  Her grandmother said: "Sit and let me
tell you about those young boys.  He is going to try and kiss you, you are
going to like that, but don't let him do that.  He is going to try and feel
your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that.  But most
important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with
you.  You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.  It will
disgrace our family."

With that bit of advice the granddaughter went on her date.  The next day
she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted. Grandma, I
didn't let him disgrace our family.  When he tried I just turned over, got
on top of him and disgraced HIS family..." Grandma fainted!

[samtheman]

A  husband and wife decided they needed to use code to
indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their
children in on it. They decided on the word "Typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go
tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mother what her dad said and her mom
responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter
right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy
that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and
announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter,
he already wrote the letter by hand."

[Dream Faerie]

Whats black and white and found in childrens pants?

I have NO Clue

[Homer]

Zebra undies? ???

[Super Duckie]

a melted hershey kiss on a clump of cotton

[Homer]

ewwwww..... :o

[Super Duckie]

it s just a guess, i don't know if its right or not

[ef9n15]

micheal jacksons hand  ;D O0

[Super Duckie]

Now this is funny

Heaven's New Policy 

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

[Super Duckie]

here we go again.....

Applying for a Job at the CIA 


    A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.  After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

    The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious!  I could never shoot my wife!"   "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

    So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.  "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened.  The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.  "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.  I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

    "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.   "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test.  Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots.  Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls.  This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet. 

    The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks.  I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

[Super Duckie]

[Homer]

When we lived there, my wife and I used to walk the beach a lot. One summer we noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. My wife and I assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but we didn't know for sure so we just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks my wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

I hadn't, and I said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lay out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and my wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to me and then leave. I walked up the beach and met her at the road.

"Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice.

"No, she's not." I said, enjoying this probably more than I should have.

"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" my wife fairly shrieked.

I smirked and said, "She sells 'C' cells by the sea shore."

:P >:D

[Super Duckie]

That Johnny Is So Witty

One day a teacher told her students to draw a train on a railway track for homework. The next day when the teacher started checking everybody's book, she came up to Little Johnny. "Show me the homework," she demanded. Little Johnny showed the teacher his notebook with only a picture of railroad tracks. The teacher asked, "Where is the train?" Little Johnny then replied, "You came late so the train went away."

[Super Duckie]

[Homer]

Family Feud One Liners
Flubs to answers given on the TV gameshow Family Feud

Name something that can kill a lively party: Guns.

Name something you might accidentally leave on all night: Your shoes.

Name an animal with 3 letters in it's name: Alligator.

Name something that dries up when it gets old: George Burns.

Something you put on walls: Roofs.

Name an article of clothing that children are always losing: Their pants.

Name something that some people do clothed that others do without clothes: Ride a motorcycle.
(I'm sure getty will like that last one. :P >:D)

[Cheater_KeVin]

Ali G's Sister is pregnant and has a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

 

[Cheater_KeVin]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.  He orders a drink and while  he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.  The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some  sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the  billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow  swallows it whole.   

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"  The guy says "No, what?"  "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't  surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little  bastard.  Sorry.  I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".  He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate,  then leaves.   

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.  He  orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.  While  the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the  bar.  He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.  The bartender is disgusted.  "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.  "No, what?" replies the guy.  "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!"  said the bartender.   

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy.  "He still eats  everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."

LMao!!!!!! Lmao!!!!!

[Cheater_KeVin]

A woman is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of him. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500, and leaves. Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies. "Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"