Homer's Laugh House

[Jinx55]

Quattro
========

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs agent stops them and tells them:
"Itsa illegal to putta fiva people inna Quattro."

"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.

"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen
retort disbelievingly.  "Look at the papers: this car is
designed to carry five people."

"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs
agent.  "Quattro means four.  You hava fiva people ina your car
and you are therefore breakin'a the law".

The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot!  Call your supervisor
over - we want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "He can'ta come.
He'sa busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

:<< :ooo

[swamp]

 :)) :)) :)))

[vasunlover]

 :)) :)) :)) :)) :))) :))) :)))

[kandykitty20012]

Quattro
========

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs agent stops them and tells them:
"Itsa illegal to putta fiva people inna Quattro."

"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.

"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen
retort disbelievingly.  "Look at the papers: this car is
designed to carry five people."

"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs
agent.  "Quattro means four.  You hava fiva people ina your car
and you are therefore breakin'a the law".

The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot!  Call your supervisor
over - we want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "He can'ta come.
He'sa busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

:<< :ooo

:))) :))) :)))

[viveeee]

lol

[S/H/Z/G]

or the super atomic poopie-where you poop and it hurts so bad and then it burns but it is like a splatery type boo-boo and if your at a public bathroom every hears you and says you nasty little thing!!! LOL :D :xx :xx :xx :xx :xx

WTH? Come on ice cream?

[soxr1]

DONT panic... .  :=

HAVE FUN!!!  :-[   :))

Go TO my ultimate joke site.. and have a BLAST!!!!!!!!!  :!!

http://wocka.com/view.php?user=cubsfan1

DONT WAIT!!!!!!!!!! :///

[Monkey]

or the super atomic poopie-where you poop and it hurts so bad and then it burns but it is like a splatery type boo-boo and if your at a public bathroom every hears you and says you nasty little thing!!! LOL :D :xx :xx :xx :xx :xx

Best joke in this whole topic

[Chata *#$% up]

A blond calls her fiancé and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Delighted that his bride-to-be has taken up such a mind-bending hobby, he rushes over. Upon arrival he asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blond says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger ." She hands him the box and sits down to the scattered puzzle pieces on the table. Her fiancée looks at the box and sits down, bewildered, next to the blond. "Honey," he says, "I don't think we'll ever make this puzzle look like a tiger. Why don't we just have a nice cup of coffee......and put these frosted flakes back in the box?"


No offense all you blonds just in good fun.  :!# :)))

[Monkey]

 :)) :))

[swamp]

 :)) :))  sounds like my sister in law  :))

[Ms.Behavin]

LMAO! Too funny!

[outlawdave]

At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky?  This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto.  What can I do for you?  Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead?  The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor,that's the one."

"Damn!  That's a pity!  I spent a small fortune on that bird.  "What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

"Rotten meat?  Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor.  He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse?  What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane?  What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord!  What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor!  A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!!  But there's electricity at the house!!!  What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

WHAT BLOODY  FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE...................



"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Oh, Drat!" says the little old lady..."I'd better go back and see if I can still find them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper; and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, 'Okay, buddy, $20 or off it comes!'"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Well, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "Some of them don't believe me."

[Tara]

[kandykitty20012]

 :)))

[pogo_gamer]

I wanna hire him  :)) :)) :))

[outlawdave]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
quickie with their 8 year old
   son in the apartment was to send him out on the
balcony with a Popsicle and
   tell him to report on all the neighborhood
activities. He began his
  commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation.
   
  "There's a car being towed from the parking lot",
he shouted.
   A few moments passed... "An ambulance just drove
by"   
A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson 's
have company", he called
   out.
  "Matt's riding a new bike...."   A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are
moving" 
   "Jason is on his skate board...."   
   A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"   
  Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad
cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"  "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a
Popsicle too."


A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local
Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put  it in the bag with the next
collection of soiled clothes : "USE MORE SOAP ON  PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the
results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry
was
delivered, it contained a note from him:


"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! 
USE MORE PAPER ON  :o0"


Laying in bed one night a wife was surprised to feel her husband's hand on
>her back.  As his hand moved up and down, touching every inch of her bare
>skin, she wondered, "What's got into him?"
>
>   The massage continued to her shoulders and she began to melt, thinking,
>"My that feels so good!"
>
>   She was delighted when he moved to her legs, being careful to find his
>way repeatedly up and down each more than once.
>
>   When his hand pulled away she waited patiently for his next move. Then
>she said in her sexiest voice, "Why did you stop?"
>
>   Without hesitation he replied, "Oh, I found the remote."
>
>   The proctologist was able to safely remove the two AA batteries during
>outpatient surgery



A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen
to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while
they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very
first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his
way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his
employer, had an affair with his boss ' s wife; taken illegal drugs, and
gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not
all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and
loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the  senator arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk. "I ' ll never forget the first day our parish priest
arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the
first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!

[swamp]

 :)) :)) :)) :)) funny stuff thanks for posting  them  :##

[pogo_gamer]

omg, tff  :)) :)) :)) :))

[kandykitty20012]

Omg thats so funny :)) :)) :))