dealing with a terminally ill parent

[Luna]

Not sure if this is the right place or not but was wondering if someone could answer a question for me. I just recently found out that my mother is dying from emphysema  (lung cancer). Any how, my father died the same way when I was 20yrs old. Myself and family were by his side when he finally passed on. Well my last of my grandparents just died this past January and once again we all were by his side. Well I now have no more grandparents and of course when my mothers time comes I will be parentless. Well the problem Im having is Im not sure if I can deal with watching another person I love slip away. I dont mean to sound childish or anything but Im having a hard time dealing with this new news. Any ideas how I can deal with this? Im just really torn up with this.

[mailwench]

 :'( :'( :'( I'm so sorry to hear about all your losses SweetPeach!  If I were you hon I would call your local Hospice and talk to them.  If your mothers doctor has not approached hospice as yet, you may want to try to talk them into doing this for your mom!  I took care of both my in-laws that were terminal, and have since passed, for quite some time and when my mom was getting very sick, I felt the same way as you do so don't worry, you are not alone, and your not selfish!  Please PM me anytime you wish even if its just to vent because I certainly understand where your coming from!   :-* :-*

[foxx]

I am so sorry...

...and this is totally the right place for you to ask, and its not childish to be sad about all the loss you have endured and the hard times to come...

I am sure someone here has had similar experience and will be able to help you. 

...I can just say I am very sorry...


...see, before I had even finished typing this, mailwench responded!  You are a good woman, mailwench...

[mailwench]

 :-* :-*  Thanks Foxx..........your not so bad yourself!   <3 <3

[ClingFree]

Sweet ...

Its been said already, but let me say it again. You arent selfish. In any way shape or form. I cant begin to imagine what youre going thru, because Ive never been there.   I think Mail had a good suggestion, with contacting Hospice .. Not only to help your mother through this with dignity, but they also have counselors who can help you, or at least suggest possibly a support group, so that you dont feel alone going thru this.

Big hugs to ya!

[LastCall]

Hello SweetPeach
  I am sorry about your Mother I know what it is like
     I have been down that road losing a Mother and Father
        No matter what anyone will say to you, Your heart will be forever broken
              the strong words I will say to you is pray that Your Mother does not suffer
                    as mine did..  Find comfort in God believe in him And know that you will
                          see your parents again. God will give you strenght Turn to God and believe in him
                                 That is what helps me still. Just remember you are not alone find comfort in your beliefs

[mailwench]

To Sweetpeaches and anyone in this position:  Hospice is an awesome group.  They not only aid in the "death with dignity" process but they aid up to one full year in the recovery of those that remain here.  They are there for anyone and their families going thru a terminal illness.   No matter creed, color or amount of assets.  Please utilize them if you need to as they will be the best 24/7 support for you and your siblings.

[Luna]

Ty all for the response. I most definately will check into the hospice. Again ty all....I did need to vent. Right now Im trying to get the nerve up to let my daughter know the news. Since she never had the chance to know her granfather(my dad) cause he died when she was only 1yrs old. This is going to be hard on her. Im dreading this. She loves her grandmother so much. I know when we lost my grandfather in Jan, my daughter looked at me and said..well mom, I now have only one grandparent left and you now have none...what will we do if we ever lost grandma? God this is going to be so painful. Im trying to think how I can tell her without myself breaking down. I need to make myself strong.

[holly222]

I learned one thing from experience, there is not much a person can say to confort you durring these times, and alot of it will seem like it was a dream later on, at least it was for me.  But know we are here to lision and support you in your difficult times.  I lost four grandparents with in two mths then my mother, she was 52.  When they told us about my mother and said we had to let her go and take her off the vents...... it was my last straw..... I told her i loved her and hoped she could hear me and left ..  My other sister stayed, so I know she wasnt alone.  I dont really remember much around that time..i was kinda walking around in a trance. She was my best friend, and I too felt like a orphen when she passed.  And i was 27.   It has been three years now, and I keep her pic on my wall in the living room.  I tell my kids about her daily, and carry on her traditions.  It in my kids she will live on.  I dont mean to babble on... But i truly feel for you, I know it is painful and very stressful.  What ever you decide, have no regrets.. there is only so much a person can handle. You are in my prayers.

[Luna]

Once again I thank you all for the kind words. Im going to go and take a breather. A nice little walk to try and clear my head then Im going to have a talk with my daughter to let her know the news. Again ty all!!!

[holly222]

As for you daugher, this is what i did..... she was six at the time... I told her granny was going to heaven to be a angel so she could always watch over her.  I told her she was lucky to be going to heaven first because all your dreams come true there, and granny would be able to walk again and do anything she wanted.  Of course I did break down...... but my little girl was ok.  I dint let her go to the wake or funeral, because i thought that would be a bit too much.  But she is nine now, and when she prays she asks god to tell granny she loves her.  Good luck with your daugher. 

[SI]

I'm sorry for all your losses & family tragedy...  As others said, hospices provide a great service in this type of situation.  If you're a religious person, talk to your priest/pastor; most congregations have some sort of support group.  Also, the American Cancer Society has a lot of different resources available to not only cancer patients, but their families.

The most important thing is not to feel guilty about your feelings.  No one wants to lose a loved one.  Any grief counselor will tell you that.

[ClingFree]

As for you daugher, this is what i did..... she was six at the time... I told her granny was going to heaven to be a angel so she could always watch over her.  I told her she was lucky to be going to heaven first because all your dreams come true there, and granny would be able to walk again and do anything she wanted.  Of course I did break down...... but my little girl was ok.  I dint let her go to the wake or funeral, because i thought that would be a bit too much.  But she is nine now, and when she prays she asks god to tell granny she loves her.  Good luck with your daugher. 

:'(

[crankycook]

Sweetpeach, I'm so very sorry for your losses, and for what you are going thru now. I have to agree with Mailwench and DJ. Hospice was a great comfort for us, when my dad was dying, they will help you alot. they were very helpful and respectful, and will answer any questions you may have. I also know there are alot of support groups out there also, I was looking at a few of them, but only you can find the one that will best fit your needs. If you need someone to talk to, or just need someone to vent to, just pm me, I may not know all of the answers, but i'm a great listener. you and your family are in my prayers.

[froggielover]

oh hun, i'm very sorry to hear that.  may i just say that i am 32 yrs old and in july of 2004 my father took his life.  i never got to say goodbye.. or tell him i loved him.  we never knew he was depressed until the day he died.  please please please... if u can, be around ur loved one and tell them u love them. let them know u care.  it's heart breaking and my heart goes out to u and ur family.   it's not easy, it took a year for me to come out of my shell.   if u need anyone to talk to or just to vent ur anger on, please keep me in mind.  i know i dont know you but sometimes a strangers ear and shoulder is what u need.   lean on other members of ur family cuz they are going to need u also. 
God Bless.

[Homer]

Sorry to hear about that sweetpeach.

I catch grief all the time for not going to funerals. I think they should be outlawed. I prefer to remember my loved ones the way they looked when they were alive not when they are dead and in a coffin.

Everyone has to find a way to deal with death in the way they feel most comfortable even if others don't agree with your views.

[froggielover]

Sorry to hear about that sweetpeach.

I catch grief all the time for not going to funerals. I think they should be outlawed. I prefer to remember my loved ones the way they looked when they were alive not when they are dead and in a coffin.

Everyone has to find a way to deal with death in the way they feel most comfortable even if others don't agree with your views.

well said.

[WindSong]

Sweetpeach .. it's been a while since I posted here but your words touched my heart.  I can certainly identify with your anguish and hurt since I lost both of my husband's parents, then my father (my hero) a couple years ago.   Although I "thought" I was prepared for his death since he had also battled an illness for quite some time, I had never known hurt like I felt when my Dad passed away.  In addition to Hospice, if you have a minister or priest,  talk to them.  My faith is all I could call on when my days were darkest.  Regarding your daughter, please don't worry if you do break down talking with her.  I'm sure it will not be seen as a sign of weakness and will give you and your daughter an opportunity to grieve together quite naturally.   I can tell you something I did that, in retrospect,  has been a blessing for me ....  I really talked with my Dad before he died.  I asked questions I had never asked before ....like when he was a little boy and looked out his kitchen window, what was the scene? (he described it and I could see through his words what meant the most to him.)  What scent from his childhood did he remember most?  (The smell of bacon cooking when he woke up each morning).  Many others that are little things that didn't seem important but almost every day I see or hear something that reminds me of my many talks with Dad.  AND I think it meant a lot to him that I was interested in his life and what helped mold him into the man he was.   Today when I think of him, I mostly remember the good times we had or special things about him and rarely do I remember him as being sick.  I keep his memory alive by not only thinking of him every day but also talking about him with my Mom, my siblings, and my children.   My prayers are with you and your Mom.  God bless!! (((((((Sweetpeach)))))))  Hugs!!!

[zzigzzag]

I have dealt with many loses in my life....in time the pain subsides....but for me these words hit home and opened my eyes to a new way to think about it....those words were..."The physical being  may be gone BUT the spirit of that person will live forever...keep the memories in yer mind and the love in yer heart that person shall be there always.

Look toward the heavens and rest assured yer loved ones are looking back down at you.

You are in my prayers! May God comfort you in yer time of need!

[Luna]

TY Homer and every1. Your kind words really mean alot to me. I did tell my daughter the news. She took it pretty hard. Its going to be a hard time 4 myself and my daughter as well as my 2 sisters. My daughter came to me last night to talk to me about my mother and how she was thinking that at least soon her grandmother will be in heaven with grandaddy so they can be together again. She said that cause my mother has never remarried nor would she ever date a man because my mother would always say...No man can or will ever be able to replace my husband. My mom loved my dad so very much. And Im proud of my daughter for reminding me of how my mother feels. And believe it or not, I too will be glad to know that my mother will be with my father once again.