I am a redneck

[david/ross]

 :/\Three railroad construction workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
"Man," the Chinese man says. "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
"Man," the Italian says. "If I get another slice of pizza in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
"Man," the redneck says. "If I get another ham 'n' cheese sandwich in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, and they all three throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral, everybody's crying.
"This is all my fault!" says the Chinese man's wife. "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."
"This is all my fault!" says the Italian's wife. "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."
"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He packed his own lunch."

[david/ross]

Jokes
 
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

:)) :)) :))

[david/ross]

Jokes
 
Q: What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.


:-[

[david/ross]

Application to go on the Jerry Springer Show:

Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher
(_) Exotic Dancer

Spouses Name:_________________________
2nd Spouses Name:______________________
3rd Spouses Name:______________________
Lovers Name:___________________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mothers Name: _______________________(If not sure, leaveblank)
Fathers Name: _______________________(If not sure, leaveblank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196_
Do you have a gun rack?
If no, please explain:
Number of times youve seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years youve seen Elvis:_____
Number of times youve seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

Colour of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A

[david/ross]

HILLO :-[

[damian666]

Application to go on the Jerry Springer Show:

Last name: ________________              Joe Jack
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(X) Billy-Joe            
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(X) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: 8  Left 10  Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher
(X) Exotic Dancer

Spouses Name:_________________________       Gummy Sue
2nd Spouses Name:______________________      Billy the Goat
3rd Spouses Name:______________________       The chicken that didnt have a name
Lovers Name:___________________________       Wooley the sheep
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(X) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____  35
Number of children living in shed: ______    cant afferd me no shed
Number that are yours: ______                 ?
Mothers Name: _______________________(If not sure, leaveblank)
Fathers Name: _______________________(If not sure, leaveblank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)   K
Total number of vehicles you own: ___       4
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___         3
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___           1
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___     4

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom  4
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 1961
Do you have a gun rack?   Sevral
If no, please explain:
Number of times youve seen a UFO:_____   7   Hell they even butt probed me
Number of times in the last 5 years youve seen Elvis:_____    1
Number of times youve seen Elvis in a UFO:_____    The one time. He done butt probed me too

Colour of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow  The 6 that I have
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A

[hades]

lol.  ;D

[david/ross]

 :/\good answers  :)) :))

[david/ross]

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
:)))

[david/ross]

 :))

[david/ross]

A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks, ''Where did you get that?'' The pig says, ''I won her in a raffle!''   :))

[david/ross]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked they were doing.

"Were supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we dont have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Aint just like a dumb broad! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

[david/ross]

 :/\