Jim and Edna

[donny36]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
>
>One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
>Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of
>the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
>
>She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
>
>When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act,
>she considered her to be mentally stable.
>
>When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
>news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged;
>since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping
>in and saving the life of another patient! I have concluded that
>your act displays sound mindedness.
>
>The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in
>his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved
>him. I am sorry , but he's dead."
>
>Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
>
>How soon can I go home?

[sunshine1950]

 :))

[david/ross]

good 1  :))

[crzy4it]

oh that is just too funny1

[joanna1967]

HOPE ITS O.K. TO POST THIS JOKE HERE THAT I GOT IN MY EMAIL YESTERDAY I HAVE  LAUGHED MY AZZ OFF EVER SINCE I READ IT HERE IT IS

[joanna1967]

Okay....since I laughed my head off...guess that means I would be the cruel, sarcastic wife!!  The things we do for our children....that's why I am getting Beau FISH!!!!



>> If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone
>>through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
>>goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
>>
>> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
>> Here's what happened:
>>
>> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
>>there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds
>>prisoner in his room.
>>
>> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
>>serious, Dad. Can you help?"
>>
>>
>> I put my best lizard healer __expression on my face and
>>followed
>> him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was
>>indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what
>>to do.
>>
>>
>> "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
>>
>>
>> "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having
>>babies."
>>
>>
>> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert
>>and Ernie, Mom!"
>>
>>
>> I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
>>thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said
>>accusingly to my wife.
>>
>>
>> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
>>cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this
>>sarcastically!).
>>
>>
>> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
>>reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting
>>my teeth).
>>
>>
>> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>>
>>
>> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
>>you know," she
>> informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
>>
>> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what
>>was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
>>
>> "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I
>>announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
>>
>>
>> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
>>
>>
>> "Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
>>with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to
>>know.
>>
>> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
>>looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant
>>second later.
>>
>> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
>> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>>
>>
>> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>>
>>
>> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
>>the foot when it next appeared, giving it a
>> gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
>>times with the same
>> results.
>>
>> "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to
>>know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
>> (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
>>
>> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove
>>to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
>>Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>>
>>
>> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to
>>him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she
>>does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's
>>sake.).
>>
>> The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
>>peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
>>
>> "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
>>scientifically.
>>
>>
>> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
>>Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
>>
>> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>>
>> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>>
>> "Oh,
>> perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not
>>in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is
>>a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they
>>come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . um . . .
>>masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed,
>>glancing at my wife.
>>
>> We were silent, absorbing this.
>>
>> "So, Ernie's just . . just . . . excited," my wife
>>offered.
>>
>>
>> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
>>understood.
>>
>> More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
>>giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
>>
>> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
>>believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming
>>affront to my flawless manliness.
>>
>> Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . .
>>. that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . teeny
>>little . .
>> ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
>>more.
>>
>> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and
>>hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.
>> He was glad everything was going to be okay.
>>
>> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did,
>>Dad," he told me.
>>
>>
>> "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing
>>with laughter.
>>
>> Two lizards: $140.
>>
>> One cage: $50.
>>
>> Trip to the vet: $30.
>>
>> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
>>Priceless!
>>
>> Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
>>Lizards lay eggs.  :))) :)))

[donny36]

 :))) :)) :D

[Sassy]

lmao poor guy but I'd do the same to my hubby if the opportunity ever presented itslef lmao


:;"

[hades]

lol.  :))