1-800-psych

[Tara]

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline....

- If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

- If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

- If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.

- If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969.

- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

- If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.

- If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

[Monkey]

- If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

Let me rephrase this one:
If you are , Ashley, Brad, Gunner, Asianwoman, or Scarlette, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6 :)


Edited to include Brad and Gunner! You can't forget about them!  :))