Jokes thread

[Stupiddave99]

I think everone needs a good laugh once in a while :) - Post your fave jokes here.

[Stupiddave99]

Three men were in a sauna... 

Three men were in a sauna. An Italian, a German, and a Pollack.
Suddenly, they heard a beeping noise. The Italian guy pushed a few buttons on his hand and then told the others that he had a chip installed in his hand to allow him to be paged.

Then, they heard a ring and the German man pushed a button on his hand and put his hand up to his ear and carried a conversation.

After pressing another button on his hand the German man said that he had a chip installed in his hand to allow him to receive calls.

The Polish man excuses himself to use the bathroom.

He comes back, with a piece of toilet paper trailing from his butt.

The other men laugh and point. The Polish man cranes his neck around to look.

He says, "Wow! I must have gotten a fax!"

[Stupiddave99]

There was a man who loved baked beans... 

There was a man who loved baked beans, but they always had an embarrassing and lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way hame from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home.

He went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans and all the way home he farted.

By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on.

Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "Rriiipppp!" It sounded like a diesel engine and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for almost ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.

After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[Stupiddave99]

Can't Take You Anywhere 

Two men are sitting around drinking. One guys says to the other, "I bet I could gross you out right now" The other guy says, "No way you could gross me out, whatever you do I could top" So the first guy looks at the second guy and sticks his fingers down his throat and vomits all over the table. The second guy looks at him and says " Nice Try ", and pulls out a straw.... 

[Stupiddave99]

Holy Water 

Three men go to a church and ask to be forgiven for their sins. The priest asks the first man what he did. The man replies, "I robbed a bank. " The 2nd man tells the priest he killed a man. The priest says that is really bad and to go drink the holy water and he will be forgiven. The third man starts to laugh, so the priest asks him, "And what sin have you committed?" The third man replies, "I p*ssed in the holy water" 

[ZaLandCruiser]

Lol you have some good jokes there  ;).

[Stupiddave99]

I gotta whole bunch more too ;D

[KittyKat]

In the bar...

A man was sitting at the bar when he told the bar tender that he would bet him $100 that he could stand up and piss in the glass all the way on the other side of the bar and not miss one drop. The bar tender argeed. So the man starts to go and he misses the glass, not one drop at all in the glass. So he gives the bartender his $100, sits down and starts drinking again with a big smile. The bartender looks really confused, and asks, "you just lost $100, why are you smiling?" The man looks at the bartender and says, "I just bet every person in this bar $100 that I could piss all over ur bar and you wouldn't get mad."

[BeefStew]

Those are great :) i like that bar one

[Stupiddave99]

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

[Stupiddave99]

What does J.Lo and a doorknobs have in common?
Everyone gets a turn.

[Stupiddave99]

   

 

Fix This 

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

[DJ_]

Your signature takes up almost a whole page, any chance you can resize it?
Thanks  :)

[Stupiddave99]

i dunno how to :-\

[honeypyye]

here Dave...when Homer or one of the Admin get here they can put it in your sig for you.

                 

if its not small enough I can resize it again..=)

[Stupiddave99]

here Dave...when Homer or one of the Admin get here they can put it in your sig for you.

                 

if its not small enough I can resize it again..=)

thanks

[honeypyye]

yw   :)