For all women who have ever shaved ./ This is funny

[katye S Burke]

 My night began as any other normal weeknight. Finish  laundry, fix dinner,  have a glass of wine, e-mail the grandkids.

Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine  cabinet before I go  to bed. So I headed to the site of my demise 'the  bathroom'. It was one of  those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot  wax...all you do is just  rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you  peel them apart  and press them to your leg (or whatever else) and you pull  the hair right  off. No muss, no fuss.....how hard can it be?  I mean, I'm not a genius, but I can follow directions  and I am mechanically  inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK !?!) So I   pull one of the   thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other  stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius  'kicks in' so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax, 'Yeah
right') I Lay the strip  across my thigh.. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. IT WORKS! :) O.K., so it wasn't the best feeling, but  it wasn't tooooo bad. I can do this, I say to myself with a proud smile. Hair  removal no longer   eludes me! I am SHE-RA, fighter of all wayward body hair  and maker of the   smooth skin (Extraordinaire)! With my next strip I move north. I prep for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretch down to the inside of my butt cheek it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself.......RRRRRRRIIIIIIIPPPPP!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY OH MY!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the Strip.
CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP!
Everything is spinning and spotted with bright stars. I think I may pass out...M U S T S t a y C O n S c I O U S
Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe ____ _______ ______ O.K..... Back to normal! I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!There is NO hair on it!!! Where is the hair???

W H E R E I S T H E W A X ?????
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... IT'S NOT!
I touch--- I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. I found the Hair... I found the WAX!!! Then I make the next BIG mistake....remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut!!! My butt is sealed shut!!! SEALED SHUT !@!#*! (not even air can get in there)! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself.
P L E A S E-- PLEASE don't let me get the urge to poop! ....... 'My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax? WHAT MELTS WAX? My brain is scrambling.
HOT WATER!!! Hot water melts wax. I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub... Get in. I immerse the wax covered parts and the wax should just melt and then I can gently wipe it off, right?
Yeah that will work!
WRONG!!!
I get in the tub, the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water!!! Which, by the way........ doesn't melt cold wax!!!
So - now, I am stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!!

God bless my adult kids who had convinced me a few months ago to bring my cell phone everywhere, even to the bathroom!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter....'So my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub! There is a slight pause....she doesn't know any secret tricks for hair removal under water but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located. She says are we talking cheeks or hole or ho o-ha?' She is laughing out loud by now... I can hear her!!! There is no
shame in her disregard for my pain ...she is rolling over with laughter ....I wait. I give her the run down and she suggests I call
the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!! Right!!! I say .. I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various possible solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.
N O T H I N G feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in cold wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub, in scalding hot water,
and then - try dry shaving the sticky wax off!!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I am pretty sure I am going to need 'Post Traumatic Stress' counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me and then I finally see my saving grace...THE BOX.. .the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax! What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY-- OH OH MOMMASITTA !!@*! The scream probably woke my husband and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's soooo painful, but I really don't care. It feels like an earthquake is forcing my flesh apart.
IT WORKS!!! It works!!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up laughing while trying to sound soulfully
sincere. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair......THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.. ALL OF IT!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair
color......................................................


HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY

[snowflower]

 

Well I hope you're satisfied Katye!!!  I laughed so much, so hard and for so long that I peeeed myself.  With subdued laughter and as much dignity as I could muster, I successfully bathed and changed into dry clothing.  Then with you in mind, proceeded to pee myself all over again!!!  Now that's just too funny!!  Thanks for the good belly laugh and cleaned out bladder, I needed both!  LOL LOL LOL!

[psmint]

You made my day!!!!  Actually have been there, done almost all of that!!  What we will do to get rid of all our dang hair!!  Hmmm -- that reminds me --- time to defuzz the moustache!

[sdl31634]

   reading this it brought back memories of my own "war on Hair" memories... I have done the wax thing... NOT doing that again...  i didn't have quite as much trouble with it as you did , but still not going back to that method again.  Nair is not a good choice either... unless you are very careful where it touches... trust me it will light a fire on some of the most sensitive areas. I think my all time most hated method was this cute little epilady thing that has a rubber roller that spins around and pulls the hair out by the roots.. I used it on my leg and it worked pretty good and was not extremely painful... so I thought well i will just mow the lawn a bit... just a little trim.     wrong... it really got a good hold on many hairs at one time and pulled them out! Just kill me now... just to end the pain... that cute little epilady is no longer working because it bounced off the wall ... What demented person designs something like that??? and i guess worse than that.... I actually thought it was a good idea to use it there.....    myself in the  for that one. 

[SlimsGiggles]

 
Well now that the whole house is awake from my hysterical laughter!! I am gonna have to read this all over again (between tears and fits of laughter) to explain why I am laughing so hard!! No sleep for the kids tonight!! 

[IndianLover]

  I needed that ty for the laughter

[monna50]

omg so funny!

[katye S Burke]

  I am glad you all enjoyed it .I took it to Curves with me  had the women  laughing so hard  they said they had there work out done just by laughing so hard .

Katye

[Stinkerbell]