After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.
"Um, yeah... so," the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
:)) :)) :)) that was funny and hubby saids all true too lol
:)) :))
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. :))
Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
:)) :)) pretty good
:)) :)) :)) so true so true O0
To: Tech Support
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of the phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
Jonathan Powell
To: Mr. Powell
This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than their original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPSs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button, then the reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFS. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Thanks for posting :)) :)) :))
LMAO :)) :)) :))
:)) :)) :))
Quote from: krispy on April 18, 2006, 11:26:41 AM
Great Reasons To Be A Guy...
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Im not sayin a word. <starts preparing her singles ad>
few of them are way off for me :))
(https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/crazyseats.jpg)
Omg...It took me a minute to figure out what was wrong with there legs...and there seats..lmao
OMG that is just too funny. :))
(https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/encyclopedias.jpg)
;D
You got that right :)) :)) :))
:)) good one krispy
Funny and so true.... :))
Well, at least one man out there knows what's up!!! :))
omg thats too funny. I was like what is Tara talking about having trouble with their legs etc then duhhhhhhh I finally saw the light.....its not their legs lol :))
Hey Madonna.....where have you been?? Glad to see you back. :D
Funny picture!!
Quote from: Tara on April 18, 2006, 12:00:50 PM
Omg...It took me a minute to figure out what was wrong with there legs...and there seats..lmao
oh tara
<img src="https://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e142/sweetnames/tri.gif">
Omg..this is a good one :))
ROFL......to funny.... :))
Very funny, thanks!! :))
Is everything being merged into one single topic? I thought the purpose of the Creative Corner was to put funny jokes in there?
I am just mergering some of a persons jokes that she should have attached to Homer's laugh House.
Quote from: Bree on April 18, 2006, 01:11:49 PM
I am just mergering some of a person jokes that she should have attached to Homer's laugh House.
Oh ok, maybe I should ask you a few more questions so you'll get to your 2000th post! :))
Quote from: Bree on April 18, 2006, 01:11:49 PM
I am just mergering some of a person jokes that she should have attached to Homer's laugh House.
Thank you Bree...makes it much easier if they are all in one thread! :D
You're Welcome Foxx.... :)
Good idea Bree. I'll make sure to put all my jokes in here from now on. O0
Quote from: Bree on April 18, 2006, 01:13:57 PM
You're Welcome Foxx.... :)
13 more.... someone keep talking to Bree... we're going to get her to 2000 if it kills me!
Quote from: Helen on April 18, 2006, 01:14:43 PM
Good idea Bree. I'll make sure to put all my jokes in here from now on. O0
You're welcome Helen.... :)
Quote from: SaintHippo on April 18, 2006, 01:14:58 PM
Quote from: Bree on April 18, 2006, 01:13:57 PM
You're Welcome Foxx.... :)
13 more.... someone keep talking to Bree... we're going to get her to 2000 if it kills me!
You are to funny Saint.... :))
So bree...just to clarify...if it is just a "joke", put it in this thread. If it is a funny list like "600000 ways to tell if you are Greek", start a new thread within the laugh house?
(I am trying to help get her there!)
Quote from: Bree on April 18, 2006, 01:17:46 PM
Quote from: SaintHippo on April 18, 2006, 01:14:58 PM
Quote from: Bree on April 18, 2006, 01:13:57 PM
You're Welcome Foxx.... :)
13 more.... someone keep talking to Bree... we're going to get her to 2000 if it kills me!
You are to funny Saint.... :))
Well thank you berry (yes berry) much.
Quote from: SaintHippo on April 18, 2006, 01:14:58 PM
Quote from: Bree on April 18, 2006, 01:13:57 PM
You're Welcome Foxx.... :)
13 more.... someone keep talking to Bree... we're going to get her to 2000 if it kills me!
Well, since we don't want to kill Hippo.... Hey Bree, let's go and get that 2000!!
Quote from: foxx on April 18, 2006, 01:19:10 PM
So bree...just to clarify...if it is just a "joke", put it in this thread. If it is a funny list like "600000 ways to tell if you are Greek", start a new thread within the laugh house?
(I am trying to help get her there!)
Yes that is the way you should put you "jokes" in this thread Foxx.
Quote from: Bree on April 18, 2006, 01:23:29 PM
Quote from: foxx on April 18, 2006, 01:19:10 PM
So bree...just to clarify...if it is just a "joke", put it in this thread. If it is a funny list like "600000 ways to tell if you are Greek", start a new thread within the laugh house?
(I am trying to help get her there!)
Yes that is the way you should put you "jokes" in this thread Foxx.
Thank you bree!
Quote from: foxx on April 18, 2006, 01:25:43 PM
Quote from: Bree on April 18, 2006, 01:23:29 PM
Quote from: foxx on April 18, 2006, 01:19:10 PM
So bree...just to clarify...if it is just a "joke", put it in this thread. If it is a funny list like "600000 ways to tell if you are Greek", start a new thread within the laugh house?
(I am trying to help get her there!)
Yes that is the way you should put you "jokes" in this thread Foxx.
Thank you bree!
You are very welcome Foxx!!
:)) life before puters.... my kid is 8 ft away and instead of calling out or coming in my room she sends me IM"s...not sure to blame it on being lazy or technology!...lol
Thanks for sharing. :))
i know the feeling hubby is 2 floor under me in the family room and he calls me on the cell are he may be on the back porch and im in the kitchen maybe 10 feet from him and he uses his cell phone to ask how much longer on dinner i want to grr sometimes :))
Some cute and not so cute animal pictures I found.
(https://img87.imageshack.us/img87/1653/pet2rg.jpg)
(https://img87.imageshack.us/img87/2307/pet28mu.jpg)
(https://img87.imageshack.us/img87/6175/pet39nm.jpg)
(https://img87.imageshack.us/img87/3447/pet43po.jpg)
(https://img87.imageshack.us/img87/6048/pet50jy.jpg)
lol that dog cooking one was the best :))
I need that dog cooking because I hate to cook..... :))
Quote from: Bree on April 18, 2006, 11:04:07 PM
I need that dog cooking because I hate to cook..... :))
You can borrow him for a while!! :)) :)) :))
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
1) That's not right.........................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive.....Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia
4) Stupid Man......................................... Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse....................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach.............Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped the coffee table...Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
08) I think you need a face lift........Chin Tu Fat
9) It's Very dark in here........................Wai So Dim
10) I Thought you were on a diet.....Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight........................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ..............Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive.........Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great....................................Fa Kin Su Pah
Holy Water
Jerry, a highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana.
Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Jerry's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Jerry, and suggested that Jerry convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Jerry attended Mass... And as the priest sprinkled holy water over Jerry, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."
Jerry's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Jerry's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Jerry, he stopped in amazement and watched. There stood Jerry, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."
Circle Flies
A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arizona DPS Trooper for speeding. The trooper started
to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try
to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the
ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because
they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and
goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool those flies though."
them was som e goo picture helen :))
Quote from: Bree on April 19, 2006, 12:40:11 AM
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
1) That's not right.........................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive.....Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia
4) Stupid Man......................................... Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse....................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach.............Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped the coffee table...Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
08) I think you need a face lift........Chin Tu Fat
9) It's Very dark in here........................Wai So Dim
10) I Thought you were on a diet.....Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight........................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile ..............Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive.........Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great....................................Fa Kin Su Pah
Bree, loved all your jokes but thought these were especially funny!! Thanks for the laughs. :D
Quote from: nightperson on April 19, 2006, 03:59:18 AM
them was som e goo picture helen :))
Thanks night, glad you liked them!!
Quote from: Bree on April 19, 2006, 12:40:11 AM
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
4) Stupid Man......................................... Dum Fuk
7) I bumped the coffee table...Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
16) Great....................................Fa Kin Su Pah
:o :o :o :o :o :oo :oo :oo
can depend on bree for some funny jokes :D
Quote from: Tara on April 19, 2006, 05:48:02 AM
Quote from: Bree on April 19, 2006, 12:40:11 AM
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
4) Stupid Man......................................... Dum Fuk
7) I bumped the coffee table...Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
16) Great....................................Fa Kin Su Pah
:o :o :o :o :o :oo :oo :oo
You're looking shocked?? hahahahaha :)) :)) :))
:)) thanks for sharing that. its cute
Quote from: nightperson on April 18, 2006, 07:09:53 PM
i know the feeling hubby is 2 floor under me in the family room and he calls me on the cell are he may be on the back porch and im in the kitchen maybe 10 feet from him and he uses his cell phone to ask how much longer on dinner i want to grr sometimes :))
OMG night, that is just tooooooooo funny!! :)) :))
lol thats funny :))
me and my gf have done that a few times :-X
Quote from: hades on April 19, 2006, 06:41:09 AM
lol thats funny :))
me and my gf have done that a few times :-X
Then you're funny toooooooo, lol. :))
Quote from: Tara on April 19, 2006, 05:48:02 AM
Quote from: Bree on April 19, 2006, 12:40:11 AM
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
4) Stupid Man......................................... Dum Fuk
7) I bumped the coffee table...Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
16) Great....................................Fa Kin Su Pah
:o :o :o :o :o :oo :oo :oo
Oh no, I read throught them all and I did not see the bad ones in there. I guess I am going to be punished so I am going to sit in the corner now..... :o ::)
Quote from: Bree on April 19, 2006, 08:34:23 AM
Quote from: Tara on April 19, 2006, 05:48:02 AM
Quote from: Bree on April 19, 2006, 12:40:11 AM
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
4) Stupid Man......................................... Dum Fuk
7) I bumped the coffee table...Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
16) Great....................................Fa Kin Su Pah
:o :o :o :o :o :oo :oo :oo
Oh no, I read throught them all and I did not see the bad ones in there. I guess I am going to be punished so I am going to sit in the corner now..... :o ::)
You don't have to go to the corner..Were going to raise your status up in the Hijack Club :D
Quote from: Tara on April 19, 2006, 08:41:27 AM
Quote from: Bree on April 19, 2006, 08:34:23 AM
Quote from: Tara on April 19, 2006, 05:48:02 AM
Quote from: Bree on April 19, 2006, 12:40:11 AM
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
4) Stupid Man......................................... Dum Fuk
7) I bumped the coffee table...Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
16) Great....................................Fa Kin Su Pah
:o :o :o :o :o :oo :oo :oo
Oh no, I read throught them all and I did not see the bad ones in there. I guess I am going to be punished so I am going to sit in the corner now..... :o ::)
You don't have to go to the corner..Were going to raise your status up in the Hijack Club :D
Hahaha, I saw those but decided not to say anything!! :-X
A TO Z OF EX-BOYFRIENDS
A is for @@@HOLE, you know, that word I shout at him as I
drive by.
B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things
between them do work out. I can't think of two better
losers to get off the streets.
C is for Call ya later. He won't. He never has before.
D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E is for Eating like a pig. God, does he always have to
know what the bottom of the bowl looks like?
F is for foreplay. Yes, I know he doesn't know what it
is, that's why it's on the list. It's also for forgetting my birthday, you jerk.
G is for Guys. Who he was supposedly out with, and also
who wears perfume like mine.
H is for Horny. He always is, except when I am.
I stands for ignorant, slobbering jerk.
J stands for jerk off. Yes, that's what he can do tonight,
because I won't do it for him.
K stands for kiss, something he can't do without slobbering
down his tongue and on my face.
L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists
somewhere in fantasy land.
M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who he imitates.
N stands for No, a word he never seems to understand.
O is for "Oh, was it your birthday last week?"
P is for pee, what he does out in public in the front yard
because he forgot when he walked past the bathroom.
Q is for quote, "My birthday is next Thursday," unquote.
(See F and O)
R is for reminding, because I have to remind him of all
holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.
S stands for stood up. Something he thinks I will forget
about. It is also for sex. Something he won't get later because I
remember the other S.
T is for torture. Where do I start?
U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that !$#$#@#$# is an understatement.
V is for vermin--as in all of his family.
W stands for whine, need I say more.
X is for ex, the one he never shuts up about.
Y stands for younger, and wishing he was.
Z is for zip and that's what I got from him.
:o :o :o very funny!!
um, why did boyfriends a to z get moved to homers laugh house? No one else who's posted funny stuff has gotten their stuffed moved.
Quote from: bubblegum on April 19, 2006, 01:34:48 PM
um, why did boyfriends a to z get moved to homers laugh house? No one else who's posted funny stuff has gotten their stuffed moved.
You said that "S" word.....pay tara $29.99!!! :)) :)) :))
:))
:))
Okay I'm a yankee....however after reading this I'm not sure.
You Know You're a Yankee If...
You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." (barbecue is meant to be cooked long and slow with lots of sauce)
You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY! (heinz ketchup is a tad bland for me)
You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. (I have trouble spelling it but not pronoucing it)
You don't know what a moon pie is. (I do. And they are wonderful)
You've never had grain alcohol. (I've had some)
You've never eaten Okra. (Fresh okra is the best)
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. (fried chicken is supposed to be messy and eaten with your hands people)
You've never seen a live chicken. (hubbys in laws have a small chicken farm so I've seen live chickens)
You have no idea what a polecat is. (its just a weasel)
You've never heard an off-color joke about farm animals, or, if you did, it went over your head. (some off color jokes about farm animals are hella funny)
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. (this part is true)
Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women. (it is, and always has been y'all.)
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show. (my father has)
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. (I don't care about football. Yucky. However I think the money should be given to me)
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway. (Either I'm first on the on ramp or nobody gets on)
You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores. (No, I don't. However I do get ads in the mail for feed stores.)
The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus. (none in my area so I've never been to one)
You call binoculars opera glasses. (binoculars and opera glasses are 2 differnt things)
You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. (I can spit out the window without pulling over)
You've never been to a craft show. (sadly I've been to several)
None of your fur coats are homemade. (I own 0 fur coats)
Thanks for sharing those bubble. Makes you wonder, huh?
Thank gawd I'm not a yankee...or a Yankees fan LOL
:D :D :D