Homer's Laugh House

[krispy]

Ok this is really cool , ;D Hope nobody gets offended.  ::) :P :oo
http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html

lmao   :))  :))

[krispy]

[krispy]

uhhhhhhhhhhh ohhhhhhhhhhh

[hades]

lol  :))

[Helen]

WoW Amazing :o

Yes it is.....I don't think I've EVER seen a woman that tall.  :o

i dont think they were specifically referring to tall, lmao  :))

I know!!!! lol  :)) :))

[Helen]

Ok this is really cool , ;D Hope nobody gets offended.  ::) :P :oo




          http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html

Offended??  hahahaha.....too funny.  :)) :))

[Helen]

Actually, that is kinda sad....lol.  :o :))

[Jackpotloser]

Ok this is really cool , ;D Hope nobody gets offended.  ::) :P :oo




          http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html


Too funny ;D Good one

[Tara]

OMG...That was friggen hillarious... I think I almost started crying...lmao

[Helen]

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near
the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD"
printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters
could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus
Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash
decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the
same situation.

The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm damn
sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."

[Helen]

The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers,
"A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and
says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are
you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation,
then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In
the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon
acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The
bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you
beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here
again".

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says,
"What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've
got the audacity to come back!".

The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in
this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm
very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

[wattsmyname]

Worth a try :)) :))

[hades]

really could be worth a shot..  >:D

[Helen]

Yes it would!!!  :)) :))

[krispy]

that is funny  :))

[Helen]

that is funny  :))

Thanks, glad you liked it!!

[krispy]

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near
the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD"
printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters
could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus
Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash
decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the
same situation.

The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm damn
sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."

[krispy]

early or late for christmas, i know, but still funny......



On the Twelve Days of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me . . .


December 14, 2003
Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,
Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 15, 2003
Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,
Your Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 16, 2003
Dearest Dave,

You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love,
Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 17, 2003
Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 18, 2003
Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 19, 2003
Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.

Cordially,
Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 20, 2003
Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 21, 2003
O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!

Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 22, 2003
Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!
Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 23, 2003
You rotten scum!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm siccing the police on you!

One who means it!
***************************************************************************
December 24, 2003
Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 25, 2003
The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

[Helen]

Krispy, I've seen that one before but it always makes me laugh.....thanks.. :))

[nanners]

THIS IS SOOOOO TRUE!!!


THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN


Your Clothes:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
                    confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
                      breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
______________________________________________________
The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
                    fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
                      only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up
                    the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
                      firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
                      swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you
                    can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with
                       some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they
                    need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain
                      about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
______________________________________________________
Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and
                    Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
                    home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave
                      a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
                      blood.
_______________________________________________ _______
At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
                      child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
                     hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for
                       the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
                      allowance!
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