Homer's Laugh House

[n8sgirl]

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand.
"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said -
'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

lmao.  gotta love those blonde jokes..

[foxx]

lmao @ all of 'em, Monkey! 

LMMFAO most @ your avi!  That's my most favorite picture of our fearless leader!   :)))

[n8sgirl]

I got this as a forward one time & I thought it was funny.  Got to reading some of the other peoples posts && thought that I would share it..

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get
married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

      HUSBAND WANTED:
      MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
      MUST NOT BEAT ME,
      MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
      AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
      ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said.

"Just look at you .. you have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and
said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

[crazy_]

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an  Envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was
Addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and  Read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving Home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid A scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy
and he is   So nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the
kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?),and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't
you agree? Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own
way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the
cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
   Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters   "PTO"   Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my  report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is

Safe for me to come home. I love you!

[Lynne]

 :)) good one

[Tara]

LMAO! That was a good one.

[hades]

lmao.  :))

[Luna]

LOL thats a good one  :))

[liebe_angel]

lmao.... That's a good one. Thanks for sharing

[crazy_]

LMAO I can relate to this one!   :))

AAADD

(Age Activated Attention Deficit  Disorder)

This is how Age Activated Attention Deficit  Disorder manifests itself:



I decide to water my  garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at  my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward  the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table  that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the  table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put  the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table and see that  there is only one check left

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I  don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the  counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all  morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but  first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight, when I go to watch TV, I will  be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the  kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it  belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the  floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some  towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day ...
The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water

There is still only one check in my  check book

I can't find the remote

I can't find my  glasses

I don't remember what I did with the car  keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really  baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my  e-mail.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS  MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS  THERAPEUTIC!

Have a Great Day  :/\

[liebe_angel]

 A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

[liebe_angel]

crazy_

lmao...That was great even if I just had one of those days last week lol

[Monkey]

A blonde walks into a store.

She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk:
"I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."

"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.

"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."

[hades]

lmao.nice  :)

[Tara]

LMAO I can relate to this one!   :))

AAADD

(Age Activated Attention Deficit  Disorder)

This is how Age Activated Attention Deficit  Disorder manifests itself:



I decide to water my  garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at  my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward  the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table  that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the  table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put  the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table and see that  there is only one check left

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I  don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the  counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all  morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but  first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight, when I go to watch TV, I will  be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the  kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it  belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the  floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some  towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day ...
The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water

There is still only one check in my  check book

I can't find the remote

I can't find my  glasses

I don't remember what I did with the car  keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really  baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my  e-mail.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS  MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS  THERAPEUTIC!

Have a Great Day  :/\

I love this...lmao

[liebe_angel]

New drugs for women

D A M N I T O L

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.   

M E N I C I L L I N

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?.

BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. 

J A C K A S S P I R I N

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.   

N A G A M E N T

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him 

and last but not least we have     

FUKITOL                                                                     

Depressed?Over Worked? Unappreciated? Family Problems? Money Worries?  This is the pill for you!  When Life just blows... Fukitol....

[Lynne]

 :)) i like that one angel

[liebe_angel]

I just received it in my e-mail thought you girls and uh-mm*clearing throat* guys might get a laugh or two out of it...lol

[crazy_]

 :)) good one angel

[Gecko]

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.