Homer's Laugh House

[Libra]

how to tell you went through the light to fast:

I think I was driving that car.  :o

[Lynne]

Poor doggie. *reminder. do not drive with Lib. lol  :)))

[Libra]

Poor doggie. *reminder. do not drive with Lib. lol  :)))

[Tara]

Poor doggie. *reminder. do not drive with Lib. lol  :)))

Hey where did you get that tag?

[Libra]

Poor doggie. *reminder. do not drive with Lib. lol  :)))

Hey where did you get that tag?

Trini made if for me as a defense since I'm naughty!  :D

[crazy_]

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old  woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she  was discharged from the  hospital and went home, her relatives came to
visit.  ''May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and  we can visit for a while first." Thirty minutes had  passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the  mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed , they  asked again, "May we see the  baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well,  when  can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded.

"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE I forgot where I put him."

[Monkey]

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English
Channel Breast Stroke Competition.

The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there
was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by
causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing
hope, the blonde finally arrived.

The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They
embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the
excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered,
"I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used
their arms."

[foxx]

Bwah! 

[Tara]

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English
Channel Breast Stroke Competition.

The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there
was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by
causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing
hope, the blonde finally arrived.

The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They
embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the
excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered,
"I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used
their arms."

:D :))

[Monkey]

A blonde owned a small business that she was about to lose, so she went to the church and prayed: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business." She didn't win. So the next day she was about to lose her business and her car. She went to the church to pray: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business and my car." Still, she didn't win.

So the next day she was about to lose her buisness, her car and her house. She went to the church to pray: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business, my car and my house." Then suddenly the blonde was surrounded by a blinding white light, and she heard the booming voice of God declare, "Buy a ticket."

[hades]

lmao.

[crazy_]

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is
synonymous with the game of golf.  You really know your way around the
course.  What's your secret?"  Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered"

[ClingFree]

 An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her
husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it  a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went"

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!."

"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me  clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad,
passionate love to me on the tablet top! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided  wasn't good"?

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25  years!  But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again"

[Lynne]

 :)) good one clingy :))

[Monkey]

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
''Hello?'' says a little girl's voice.

''Hi, honey, it's Daddy,'' says Bob. ''Is Mommy near the phone?''

''No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'' After a brief pause, Bob says, ''But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!''

''Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!''

''Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.''

''Okay, Daddy!'' A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. ''Well, I did what you said, Daddy.''

''And what happened?''

''Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.''

''Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?''

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.''

There is a long pause.

''Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?''

[ClingFree]

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
''Hello?'' says a little girl's voice.

''Hi, honey, it's Daddy,'' says Bob. ''Is Mommy near the phone?''

''No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'' After a brief pause, Bob says, ''But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!''

''Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!''

''Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.''

''Okay, Daddy!'' A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. ''Well, I did what you said, Daddy.''

''And what happened?''

''Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.''

''Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?''

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.''

There is a long pause.

''Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?''

HA!!!

[Lynne]

I've heard that one before. Still funny the second time.  :))

[Sassy]

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
''Hello?'' says a little girl's voice.

''Hi, honey, it's Daddy,'' says Bob. ''Is Mommy near the phone?''

''No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'' After a brief pause, Bob says, ''But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!''

''Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!''

''Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.''

''Okay, Daddy!'' A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. ''Well, I did what you said, Daddy.''

''And what happened?''

''Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.''

''Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?''

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.''

There is a long pause.

''Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?''

OMG can you imagine?  :)) :)) :)) :)) :))

:;'

[hades]

lmao.nice  :))

[Monkey]

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand.
"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said -
'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"